FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has been selected to be a ball boy at the world’s most prestigious tennis tournament, innit.
WAGWAN? Did fam see Active J on da TV? Man woz hinspirational. Parentdem is batshit for da tennis, innit. So dem fixed it for yours truly to be a ball muggle at da Wimbledon ting!
At first, man woz like, are you jokes? Active J ain’t no wasteman gopher, but man would be on da TV, so man sed bring it on, fam!
Da downside woz dat Active J ‘ad to wear a matchin’ Ralph Lauren ooniform wiv da other ball muggles, an’ white Babolat Jet trainers. Ew, man ‘ad sick in him’s mouth. Please forgive Active J, TK Maxx.
So when man swags on court da humpire sez take off man’s North Face hoody from under da muggle shirt, an’ man’s Yankees cap. Den da wasteman sez hempty man’s pockets, an’ put man’s phone, AirPod case, power pack, toffee popcorn vape an’ can of Monster on him’s big baby highchair. Bruv, you is bare pushin’ it.
In da game when da player woz ‘avin’ a sit down coz dem woz tired, one woz stressin’ wiv him’s tennis bat. Man sed it wozn’t him’s bat’s fault, bruv woz losin’ coz him’s trainers woz rank, innit. An’ man’s full drip woz all white, da negative hopposite to a bossman roadman.
Him sed it woz da rules for players to wear rank drip an’ white trainers. Active J sed don’t be a rule muggle an’ hasked him wot size him’s feet woz. Coz him woz da same, man got him Active J’s boxfresh black Airforce from da changin’ room, an’ hexplained dem is bare peng on da hastroturf. Grumpire sed him would allow it dis hoccasion. Wotever, bruv.
Oh, an’ if man wants to win at life, like Active J, ‘ave a chug on man’s toffee popcorn vape, an’ a swig of Monster. Watch an’ learn.
Den dem start hagain an’ a player does a toddler shot into da net an’ Active J ‘as to gopher it. But bein’ street, Active J does not sprint, but turns on da super-swag, picks up da ball an’ throws gangsta shapes gettin’ hacross. But den man saw him’s backup burna Cherry Bakewell vape on da court, dat must ‘ave dropped out of Active J’s muggle shorts when man did a bow of respect to da crowd.
Man could see da grumpire woz turbo-vexed so man sprinted out to rescue da vape, den da muggle player wearin’ man’s Airforce serves da ball at Active J’s head. Is you trippin’, bruv?
Active J woz shook an’ ‘ad to be carried off da court on a non-brand stretcher, innit. But man could hear ‘Active J! Active J!’ bein’ chanted. Man thought him’s head woz playin’ jokes, but it woz man’s gyal, Lady G, an’ dickhead Drilla, an’ da crowddem joined in. Man could see parentdem hidin’ dem’s faces wiv respect for Active J’s bravery.
Later, in da changin’ room da player dat took Active J down sed fanx for da trainers, coz him won da game. Him sed man woz da star of da show an’ told da TV hinterviewer dat we need more hinspirational young people like Active J an’ parentdem woz bare proud. Gassed, fam, gassed!
