WAKING up with a hangover so dreadful I throw up a kidney which I then have to dive after and swallow back down, I gently sip several gallons of water and allow my delicate system to settle.
But just a few minutes later there is a tap at my door. My outgoing personal assistant enters in order to introduce me to his replacement.
‘Archbishop, may I introduce to you Mr Keir Starmer, who will be taking up my post?’
I utter an unprintable expletive under my breath. The fellow sticks out a paw, which I am obliged to shake. I address the little man.
‘So, I thought you might have some job lined up in the City, or as a consultant to the arms trade?’
‘I’ve tried all of those,’ says Starmer. ‘But they turned me down, on the grounds of serial failure and incompetence.’
‘Extraordinary. Well, we’ll have to see how you shape up. Your first job is to transfer this completed paperwork to the “out” tray on my desk.’
‘Very well,’ says Starmer. However, he then leaves the room only to return with two enormous Union Jacks and poles, which he erects to either side of him.
‘What the fuck are you doing?’ I ask him.
‘I am unashamed to demonstrate my patriotism as I deliver,’ he says.
‘Well, are you going to deliver? Do the fucking job you were asked to do?’
‘Er – I’ve forgotten what that was,’ he burbles.
Dismissing him with a kick up the arse, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that incoming PM Andy Burnham has appointed Shabana Mahmood, rather than Ed Miliband, as chancellor, in a move said to have left the City ‘relieved’.
Fuck my dead cat! Well, thank Christ the City are relieved, because God forbid a fucking Labour government should do anything whatsoever to affect the interests of capital and big finance! I don’t know why we bother with elections when all that matters is constantly appeasing the fucking City, people whose job description is not caring about anything except fucking money! I’ve got a feeling that for all his fucking Britpop-washing, Burnham is gonna be fucking shit, isn’t he? For the record, ‘I support Everton’ isn’t a fucking adequate substitute for ‘growing a fucking spine’!
FIFA head Gianni Infantino has announced that half-time of the World Cup final will be extended to 25 minutes, with artists like Madonna, Shakira and BTS performing, along with a rendition of the American national anthem.
Fuck you, you billiard-ball-headed, venal, shitty, fascist’s cock-sucking little cunt! Half-time is about a plate of fucking oranges and a piss break, not a cavalcade of fucking megapop no football fan is in the fucking mood for! Unless they’ve picked a fucking weird time to explore K-pop! You are hellbent on fucking destroying football and I hope your personal hell consists of being booed, barracked and pelted by millions of dead fucking football supporters till the end of fucking time! With Justin Bieber on a permanent loop!
After Ann Widdecombe’s murder the police have urged people not to add to speculation about the motive or circumstances. Her family have likewise asked for her death not to be politicised.
Yeah, not that that stopped Farage and his fucking army of performative far-right ghouls and mercenaries in the far-right fucking media, did it? They were on the fucking scene like a bunch of fucking vultures onto a fucking carcass, blithely speculating like fuck! And pretty blatantly hoping the suspect was some sort of left-winger, trans person or not white. That last one’s not panned out as the suspect is very much caucasian. They must be shedding more tears over that than Widdecombe!
Finally, England crashed out of the World Cup following their defeat by Argentina, losing by two goals to one.
You know what? Argentina’s bunch of racist-song-chanting shithousers can fucking do one and I hope they get their arses kicked to kingdom come in the fucking final, but fucking Harry Kane burbling on obliviously about playing golf with the rapist and racist Donald Trump didn’t exactly make the England team any more fucking loveable! And thanks for making up for it by having zero touches in the opposition box, you lumbering knob! And why the fuck did you accept Wonderwall as the unofficial anthem? I would rather listen to the actual fucking national anthem than that!
