Society

MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.

BRITAIN is now easier to entertain than a two month-old baby or a chimpanzee, it was confirmed last night.

TEENAGERS in the grip of the 'emo' suicide cult have been urged to spend more time in the garden playing swingball.

RISING numbers of undiagnosed dementia sufferers has led to the Daily Mail, new research suggests.

SINGER-songwriter Amy Winehouse has taken her place in the pantheon of literature's greatest drug abusers.

CHARITIES are looking forward to a cash bonanza today as people all over Britain pay to throw a bishop out of a plane.

EVERYONE will have to defecate into a bucket and present their stools for examination under government plans for a database of every bowel movement in Britain. 

THE family of a murdered coconut last night urged the police to do everything in their power to catch their son's killer.

GIRLY crime was up by more than 50% last year, including a sharp rise in thefts of those darling little Mini Cooper convertibles.

THE government is to use your money to buy your neighbour's house and give it to a gang of junkies, the prime minister announced yesterday.