Dinner Party Craze For Premium Strength Lager

A NEW range of boutique 18% lagers are becoming the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals who really like a fight.

According to the manufacturers, Tokyo beer lends an 'authentic taste of bohemian street culture to staid social occasions'.

A spokesman said: "It means you can punch fellow guests who get on your tits, because afterwards you can just blame the drink. And chances are you won't remember doing it anyway."

Jennie Hargreaves, a public relations consultant from Hatfield, said: "I serve Tokyo at all my parties and the guests soon become too incoherent to have the same old boring conversations about school fees and the Booker Prize.

"By the time I bring out the tiramisu someone's usually got a dessert fork in their eye. That sort of thing used to really bother me, but these days I'm just too pissed to care."

Tom Logan, an architect from Finsbury Park, said: "I was at a housewarming in an executive apartment building. The Tokyo was flowing freely and this lawyer starts on about school fees.

"I'm like, 'I couldn't give a fuck about your fucking school fees, kid are all bastards anyways', and then I hit him with a chair, fell backwards through a table and soiled myself.

"Then they threw me out and I was all covered in blood and glass and I was crying a lot. But then I remembered I'd snuck a couple of bottles into my coat. I was so chuffed that I spent the rest of the evening sitting in a bus shelter, muttering to myself."

He added: "Tokyo is certainly well-crafted with an intruiging palate – but more importantly it's a fantastic ice breaker.

"If only it wasn't so moreish, I probably wouldn't be sleeping in a public toilet."

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Fat People Unable To Count To Two, Say Experts

FAT people will automatically lose weight if manufacturers reduce the size of chocolate bars, according to the Food Standards Agency.

The FSA said pudgy people will eat a bar of chocolate even if it is lodged in the drooling maw of an enraged wolf and will continue eating as many as they can count.

A spokesman said: "So while a fat person will say, 'I'm going to buy a chocolate bar'. They won't say 'I'm going to buy two chocolate bars' because they don't know what 'two' is. Do you see?

"As far was we can tell, the overweight live their lives in binary. We imagine that being enormous is like that bit when Keanu Reeves sees the actual Matrix, only the green squiggly lines are replaced with Curly Wurlies."

He added: "Any attempt to reach the number two will result in an exhausted, sweaty heap of confused chunkiness.

"We're confident that smaller Mars Bars will trick them into feeling full and within hours they'll be filling in a form for their local triathlon and making patronising comments about other fat people."

The FSA is also calling for all branches of Greggs to be relocated to the tops of very high mountains, based on the assumption that most fat people are too poor to afford helicopters.

Meanwhile health experts have warned that the obesity crisis, combined with the ageing population, will mean that by 2039 the UK will look like the film Cocoon if it was reflected in the back of a spoon.