GRADUATES and school leavers are to be paid to monitor television between the hours of Trisha and Home & Away in a government bid to cut unemployment.
The government has created one million sofa-based televisual interface broadcast apprenticeships with duties including turning the television on and off, looking at it, and trying to name the guest stars in Murder, She Wrote.
Psychology graduate, Paul Robson, said: "I'm learning some really interesting things, like how at any given time at least one of the channels is showing footage of a baby chimp being inoculated.
"However it does all start to blur into one. I was watching The Professionals yesterday and I started hallucinating that Bodie was trying to sell a pottery dog he'd found at a car boot sale to Angela Lansbury."
He added: "I can also recite every debt consolidation and car insurance comparison advert off by heart, which does feel a little bit like having a shard of evil lodged in your heart."
A department for employment and learning spokesperson said: "This is a vitally important role. Daytime TV could break at any minute, leaving millions of viewers stranded in the best bit of Trash to Cash.
"In such an event, the apprentices will contact us immediately so we can get the telly people to put up the picture of the girl with the blackboard and the clown while they make it work again."
Apprentice Wayne Hayes, from Doncaster, said: "We're supposed to call them if the telly stops working, but I'm not sure if I can be arsed. I'll probably just put the Wii on or fiddle with my privates for a couple of hours."