WAKING with a hangover so intense it has caused the internet to crash across central London, I reflect on the events of the past week, particularly my ongoing involvement with Songs Of Praise. 

Since I agreed to participate in the show, it has become the most popular programme on the BBC. In 1998 it had a viewership of just six million; today that has been boosted to 20 million. It would be false modesty on my part to deny that this is due to my ‘lively’ interventions.

This week I had a criticism, however. Each episode now begins with a caption reading: ‘WARNING. This show may contain foul language of a sexual nature, scenes of violence, headbutting and mud wrestling, denial of the existence of God and farm animals dressed in women’s clothing for a laugh.’

I emailed the show’s producers and said that rather than presenting all of this as a warning, it should be central to the promotion of the show. Something along the lines of: ‘All new 21st century Songs Of Praise! INCLUDING: Foul language of a sexual nature! Scenes of violence! Headbutting!’ Mud wrestling!’ and so forth.

The producers agreed and sure enough, the latest viewing figures have leapt to 25 million. Truly, the Word is being spread. 

With a satisfied air, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that former first lady Michelle Obama is releasing a new book about her style choices in the White House, describing it as ‘a reflection on my lifelong journey with fashion, hair, and beauty’.

Oh, for cunt’s sake, does everything these days have to be a fucking ‘journey’? You’re not on a fucking pilgrimage to Canterbury, you’re having your fucking hair done, probably at about $500 a pop! You’re getting sent designer clothes for fuck all! Are we seriously supposed to find this inspirational, or comparable to heading for Mecca along a dusty trail with just your fucking staff for company? (And by that I mean a fucking stick, not a retinue of 100 people including, no doubt, a fucking style consultant.) The world’s in the toilet, fuck off with this shit!

Zia Yusuf has resigned as the chairman of Reform UK, saying working to get the party elected was no longer ‘a good use of my time’. He also criticised a Reform MP as ‘dumb’ after they called for the banning of burkas. 

Mate, I’ve got to fucking ask you: what in the name of Christ’s cock made you think you were a good fit with the fucking Reform party in the first place? Did you not look around and notice that its membership was as racist as a box of fascist frogs? I mean, did it not fucking occur to you, as you met the Enoch Powell fanboys, golf club Nazis and golliwog enthusiasts, that your sole function was to act as a human fucking fig leaf?

Robert Jenrick has continued his campaign against antisocial behaviour after personally confronting fare dodgers on the Tube. 

Ooh, well done, Robbo! Getting to the root cause of the UK’s financial deficit there! It’s good that when you were a housing minister you didn’t illegally intervene in a planning decision to try and save a party donor £45 million! Or make a £100,000 expenses claim for a ‘third home’! Or act like a pointless, flabby, bacon-faced cunt in general! We beg of you – carry on with this vigilante shit and be sure to keep the camera running when you get the fucking shit kicked out of you!

Finally, both Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves have said they want to tear up ‘red tape’ that protects nature – bats, newts and the like – and hinders development.

Fuck me sideways, it’s pretty fucking clear what you two dead-eyed psychos mean by ‘development’! So the Labour Party is anti-nature now, due to it being the enemy of fucking shit, overpriced new-builds? You’ve fucked over the rivers, fucked over the air, now it’s the turn of wildlife, is that it? Do you actually have reflections in the mirror any more, either of you? They should replace Springwatch with Cuntwatch, in which Chris Packham monitors the latest ruinous, anti-environmental shit you pair of loathsome fucks have been up to!