SO that’s it, babes. My time as the Doctor is done. I’m packing up my sonic screwdriver and getting the hell out of there while the going is good, babes.
But where will I ‘regenerate’ next? I’d always planned to do two series and move on. You’re probably thinking: is that to pursue proper roles where I won’t have to run around as much and cry like a girl all the time?
No. It’s to relocate to a place close to my heart. My great escape. My spiritual home. Somewhere I’ve been secretly dreaming of spending the rest of my years. A council estate in Luton.
Some crave the baking sun of Tuscany, others the dramatic Swiss Alps. But for me, my happy place, the place I want to retire into anonymity in among my true people, is the jewel of Bedfordshire. A gem hidden just off the M1. Luton.
I first fell in love with Luton after seeing it every week on 24 Hours in Police Custody. It looked like such a vibrant community, filled with characterful robbers and drug dealers, with the authenticity of the threat of violence around every corner.
And so I took all of my Whovian cash and bought an entire row of houses on the Marsh Farm Estate. I plan to knock them all through and make a kind of council house mega-mansion. In a town which won’t judge me for leaving my TARDIS on the front lawn, falling into disrepair as the grass grows around it.
That, to me, is bliss. But I am respectful of the local culture. To fit in I have already purchased a giant flatscreen TV for every room – nine in all – and I’ll have CCTV coming out of my yazoo. Not that I’ll need it with half a dozen XL Bullies!
Once I’m settled in I’ll drift off to the sound of sirens, 4am police raids and swearing in the streets. Then I’ll know I’m finally home and ready to get on with the next exciting chapter in my life. Plus it’s handily located for the Nisa Local. Could it be any more perfect?
