CHRISTMAS is a time celebrated with Anglo-Germanic traditions and delight at gifts, but according to one of the founders of our feast, it was not always thus. 

For on the date of 1860, at the height of the Victorian era and the British Empire, the Queen’s Consort received a present that was just as unwelcome as the Virgin Experience days we receive today.

An excerpt from Albert’s diaries tell the whole story: “Such delights there were under the tree, a recent gift from Norway I doubt will last given the general disagreeability of that martial nation. Trust my prediction, they will cause two world wars.

“But among the sweetmeats and foreign territories, I opened an envelope which cause me as much concern as it caused my wife, the head of the Empire, delight. For it was a voucher for a piercing most personal.

“As far as I can ascertain, it requires me to present my Schwanz to the Royal Ironmonger for a procedure both secret and painful, in the promise of licentious delights to come. Which I, from my own estimation, deem to be insufficient recompense.

“To present my dödel for an injury, even though I am assured I will heal from it, seems most foolish. Nonetheless my Queen insists and I do not wish to displease her given that her next recourse would appear to be to have it off.

“So with trepidation, I shall submit das glied for mutilation in the hope it may please Her Majesty in the bedchamber. I only hope this does not become all that I am known for, but this fear is groundless. The achievements of Prince Albert shall far overshadow this trifle.”

And so it was that Prince Albert became the first Briton to have a genital piercing, a minor matter unrelated to his death of infection late in 1861. He is remembered today by the Albert Hall and EastEnders’ Albert Square.

Next week: to Christmas Day 1979, when every man, woman and child in the UK watched To The Manor Born because there was nothing on ITV but a shit old Oliver Reed film.