AS you sit awkwardly through another gorgeously-lit sex scene with a partner you haven’t touched in months, don’t you wish you could have sex like they do in the movies?
Make your love life as passionate and intense as cinema sex, or at least straight-to-streaming sex, with these tips:
Artfully drape the covers
Talk to each other first: what age rating are we going for with this? What’s the demographic? Deadpool or MCU? Then arrange your satin sheets artfully, always ensuring you cover the genitals because this isn’t France. The mystery of concealing the bits this is about behind fabric will make you all the hornier. For close-ups use a body double.
Roll over constantly
When changing into a new position, never stop to take a breather, grab the lube, nip to the bathroom or take a swig of Red Stripe from the can on the bedside table. As if the producers only licensed 55 seconds of Sade, cling desperately onto each other then duck and roll from one lovemaking favourite to the next.
Blast music
Nobody in Hollywood couples while University Challenge is on in the other room. It’s not conducive to cinematic shagging, but dirty talk is too porny. Put on something tasteful and in the public domain like some Rachmaninoff, only allowing your lover’s longing sighs and desperate moans to be heard over the top. Avoid saying ‘you’re on my hair’.
Orgasm simultaneously or not at all
Sex can only be fulfilling and worthwhile if you both climax at the same time then collapse in your tangled sheets, panting. There’s nothing second-act rom-com about him blowing his stack, asking if she’s finished, rolling his eyes when she says no and heading down south with a vibrator and a limited amount of patience.
Get your bra back on, you dirty bitch
Breasts are, in Hollywood, sometimes permitted though only up to C-cup. But when not strictly necessary to indicate sex is taking place, they should be immediately covered. Even when the camera is panning across two clearly freshly-f**ked bodies, she has stopped to put her bra back on. Why wouldn’t she?
Only have sex if it advances the plot
Remember that sex isn’t fun or romantic; it exists it to provide a new beat to the storyline of your relationship. Reserve it for moments like a confession of true love in the pouring rain, or to show your need for connection at any cost when your daughter is abducted by aliens. Or, if a woman in an action movie, to motivate the hero just before your death.
