With Kat Goombs, your Gen X Tiktok beauty influencer who knows real women aren’t afraid to play possibly fatal Radiance Regime Roulette

LARGE pores are a natural part of aging, and if anyone sees them you’ve failed and should lock yourself in a hut for the rest of your life, like women used to. 

The only way to keep your pores authentic and feminine is to obliterate them from view. Begin by going in with a spritz of ice water. As cold as you can stand. You need to be punished for daring to age.

This makes your pores visibly shrink, but too many of them are still wide open and emitting tiny rasping screams like my pleuritic uncle when I used to turn off his CPAP machine to tease him.

And, like Uncle Evelyn, I’m always asking myself ‘how much is too much when it comes to asbestos-based resurfacers’? This Golden Age skin technology is regaining classic status, thanks to Bella Hadid’s signature chin that shines like a messenger of god.

This week’s must-have is La Mer’s ‘Bestos in Show’ exfoliation system. Created with vintage pipe insulation harvested from Jayne Mansfield’s Pink Palace on Sunset Boulevard, this blasts Golden Age glamour right into your deepest most hidden layers.

It’s a steal at £529.99 in Space NK this month for 6ml, and you won’t even need all of that for a single treatment to mute the intolerable howling of your pores that keeps me up at night until only certain videos you can watch on the darknet can lull me to sleep.

One coat and your face is silent and smooth, like a sexy newborn salamander sliding down your hungry throat. You’re ready to be unobtrusive to men again.

So get out there besties and ignore the haters! By which I mean your inner voices, and the terrible things they will you to do! Be iconic!