WAKING up with a hangover so intense I leave scorched footprints as I pad from my bed to vomit up copious amounts of purple and green matter, I reflect on my latest spiritual venture.
I have advertised this project on a placard outside, which states: DIVINE INTERVENTION – ALL WISHES GRANTED. £1,000 PER WISH OR THREE FOR £2,000. NO REFUNDS.
The idea is that should you wish to win the National Lottery, have your son or daughter play for Arsenal, or simply bring about world peace, I will use my influence as Archbishop of Canterbury to intercede on your behalf.
Of course, I am an honest man and advise customers of the risk involved in my scheme. They included an American tourist who wished for his ice hockey team, the Seattle Farm Animals or somesuch, to win a major competition.
‘You realise that God probably doesn’t exist?’ I said.
‘Oh no, He exists. Here, please, take my money,’ he replied.
‘And that if God does intervene on your behalf, if he suspends the laws of nature for you, it will be the first time He has done so since the Big Bang?’
‘Oh, I have faith, Archbishop. Here. Take my thousand pounds.’
A religious person and their money are soon parted and so it has proven this week. Thus far I have had 300 applicants and counting.
With a smile of self-satisfaction, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that at Morgan McSweeney’s leaving drinks, Keir Starmer was said to have delivered a speech in which he said his former chief of staff was not merely one of the best political strategists in the country ‘but also the entire world’.
You mean the chinless twunt who failed to declare hundreds of thousands in donations because he claimed not to understand the paperwork, alienated Labour’s natural vote in pursuit of a far-right demographic who’d sooner vote for the fucking corpse of Tony Benn than Starmer, and who took Labour to their current excellent position of third place in the fucking polls? He truly is a strategic genius! What ‘world’ are you referring to here? A world in which the two main powers are Fairyland and Cloud Cuckoo Land? And it’s hard to believe it was ‘leaving’ drinks. Mandelson left and he carried on working for you as a consultant for fucking years! Although to be fair, to get him to leave you’d need a fucking exorcism!
Zack Polanski and Nigel Farage have more in common than you might think, writes Laura Kuenssberg in an article on the BBC News website, accompanied by an image of her folding her arms with great certainty.
Great, horseshoe theory horseshit from a known fucking idiot and tacit Tory sympathiser! How the fuck did you make that comparison? The person Farage has the most in common with is fucking Donald Trump! Farage is Shakin’ Stevens to Trump’s Elvis Presley, a crappy copy of the same grift, the same brazen lying, the same fascism, the same lust for power and attention! And also not giving a shit about the people fuckwitted enough to vote for him! Start flogging shitty watches and baseball caps to Reform voters, Nigel, it’s not exactly beneath you!
The Daily Telegraph this week featured an interview with Trump by its Washington correspondent Connor Stringer. The president stated, among other things, that Iran had killed ‘a lot of people’ from the UK and there were ‘people without arms and legs and faces that have been blown up. Iran is 95 per cent of those. Those horrible events were caused by Iran’.
So, Connor, at any fucking point in this ‘interview’ did it occur to you to put the question: ‘Mr President, what in the name of holy fuck are you talking about?’ Or were you just content to sit and let the fucking babbling stream of bullshit continue unabated? Is your name Connor Stringer or Connor Stenographer? And is the Telegraph a newspaper or just a fucking mechanical agricultural shitspreader?
Finally, it seems that British journalist Isabel Oakeshott, who relocated to Dubai for tax reasons, now finds herself stranded there as the city is attacked with drones due to the war started by fellow far-right-winger Donald Trump.
You know, in the midst of this tragic, needless, divisive conflict, at least we can all agree that seeing you skewered on your own hypocrisy is fucking hilarious! And are you not an economic migrant of sorts too? Tell you what, if it really gets bad, get in a fucking dinghy and paddle for six days across the fucking ocean with that cunt husband of yours and then get treated like shit when you reach British shores even though you’re fleeing a deadly conflict! It probably won’t increase your empathy for asylum seekers, but we’d all enjoy thinking about it!
