Aries, March 21st–April 19th
A Marmite tanker runs aground off the south coast. Beaches are ruined, seabirds covered in it, fish die in their millions from its incredible toxicity. This is why we don’t export it.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Why not call your first-born Sugar Tits? Or Louise, if it’s a girl.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
If war broke out in a full English breakfast, bacon, sausage and black pudding would be natural allies. Likewise beans and tomatoes. Egg would stay neutral. Mushrooms would be a rogue third faction. Bread would be destroyed in the crossfire.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
So irritating when you pop out to the shops for ten minutes and get back to find your flat’s now a branch of Costa.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
You know you’re getting old when you grunt every time you sit down on your huge dildo.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
“Big bad wolf got outsmarted by three pigs. Pathetic. What a loser. He should’ve gobbled those chubby piggy boys right up. Low-tier kids story.”
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Yes, here in Sweden we all enjoy much sex with each other all of the time. You see, it is the only pleasure which is not at a 400 per cent mark-up.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Honestly, I have the handwriting of a serial killer. Harold Shipman’s, cost me £20 on eBay.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
This is the perfect storm, as I said when Halle Berry was cast in X-Men.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
‘Build it and they will come’. Good film line, excellent slogan for a sperm bank.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Wined and dined? No I was wined, fined and banned from driving for six months.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
“Do you have any un-holy grails? Like not evil, just a regular grail?”
