Mash True Crime: 'His DNA was all over the crime scene and he confessed five times. Let's get him exonerated'

Podcaster Jade Grimes doggedly investigates the latest crimes despite her complete lack of qualifications to do so and police pleas to stop

I’M not merely a professional crime aficionado with an A-Level in Psychology. Growing up on the outskirts of Oxford made me all too familiar with criminals. I was only nine when I saw my first littering, and 13 when my own father ran a red light in our Range Rover.

It’s my business to know about sick and twisted individuals, and not just because this week I’m being paid by Krispy Kreme to make this episode to promote their new jam doughnut range. It’s safe to say I know when a criminal is a criminal – and, more importantly, when they’re not.

Martin Bishop has been in prison for over a decade for a murder he did not commit. How do I know? He sent me a letter last week, and no truly evil person would be brazen enough to contact a true crime podcaster unless they genuinely didn’t do it.

The prosecution’s version of the case is that, allegedly, Martin walked into a betting shop, held the cashier at gun point, stole thousands in cash and then killed him. If that sounds ridiculous to you, imagine how I reacted. There are so many easier ways to steal thousands, like through internet scams.

After just 12 months of investigating, the police just gave up on finding other suspects and charged Martin. Their reasoning? He had a criminal record, he ‘confessed’ and his DNA was found at the crime scene. Let’s break that down. 

These so-called confessions are anything but. I’ve heard them. In the recording of his police interview, Martin says ‘I did it’ – but that could be referring to any number of things. As he pointed out in his letter, he could have been saying that he did a fart, or did a life-drawing course at the local library. The fact that he said this five times in the interview is evidence that this is something he said regularly, which actually indicates his likely innocence.

Then there’s the DNA. Police say they found his DNA on a balaclava left at the scene, which in CCTV is clearly being worn by the perpetrator. Newsflash! Lots of us visit betting shops, and balaclavas are pretty common pieces of clothing. He could have simply left it behind when he visited a week earlier. It may have been July, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a cold day.

Martin is campaigning hard to get a new trial, and he needs our support. The family of the cashier don’t want to see justice done, and in their grief are punishing an innocent man who just wants his freedom back. Martin tells me the thing he’s most looking forward to when he’s out is turning up at the house of his ex, who has since moved on and married someone else. Imagine how surprised she’ll be to see him!

If you want to support Martin, head to his GoFundMe. We’re rooting for you, Martin!

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Minimise your horrendous gaping pores, you hag, by our TikTok beauty influencer

With Kat Goombs, your Gen X Tiktok beauty influencer who knows real women aren’t afraid to play possibly fatal Radiance Regime Roulette

LARGE pores are a natural part of aging, and if anyone sees them you’ve failed and should lock yourself in a hut for the rest of your life, like women used to. 

The only way to keep your pores authentic and feminine is to obliterate them from view. Begin by going in with a spritz of ice water. As cold as you can stand. You need to be punished for daring to age.

This makes your pores visibly shrink, but too many of them are still wide open and emitting tiny rasping screams like my pleuritic uncle when I used to turn off his CPAP machine to tease him.

And, like Uncle Evelyn, I’m always asking myself ‘how much is too much when it comes to asbestos-based resurfacers’? This Golden Age skin technology is regaining classic status, thanks to Bella Hadid’s signature chin that shines like a messenger of god.

This week’s must-have is La Mer’s ‘Bestos in Show’ exfoliation system. Created with vintage pipe insulation harvested from Jayne Mansfield’s Pink Palace on Sunset Boulevard, this blasts Golden Age glamour right into your deepest most hidden layers.

It’s a steal at £529.99 in Space NK this month for 6ml, and you won’t even need all of that for a single treatment to mute the intolerable howling of your pores that keeps me up at night until only certain videos you can watch on the darknet can lull me to sleep.

One coat and your face is silent and smooth, like a sexy newborn salamander sliding down your hungry throat. You’re ready to be unobtrusive to men again.

So get out there besties and ignore the haters! By which I mean your inner voices, and the terrible things they will you to do! Be iconic!