WAKING with a hangover that necessitates my wiping away liquid brain matter oozing from my ears, I discard the wet tissues and reflect on another week’s engagement with British political affairs.

I was contacted a week ago by home secretary Shabana Mahmood. She wished to solicit my advice on the efficacy of swearing in public life. Naturally I granted her an audience and gave her some tips. 

‘Never mind all this “jog on” business,’ I advised her. ‘People will interpret your weak language as a sign of weak character. Go for the jugular. Tell your opponents to fuck right off.’

Ms Mahmood eagerly took notes. A few days later, she did indeed tell a heckler who jeered that she was determined to ‘out-Reform Reform’ to ‘fuck right off’.

I immediately issued a statement to the press. ‘As a respected swearologist, I deplore that foul language has been cynically weaponised by a woman of such cynically reactionary sentiments. Swearing has always been a means of speaking truth to power, not bolstering far-right politics. On that basis I would tell Ms Mahmood to fuck right off also and keep her fucking racist mouth free of our precious and hard-won expletives.’

Noting that Labour’s polls see them looking nervously over their shoulder at the fast-approaching Monster Raving Loony Party, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Keir Starmer has blasted ‘plastic patriots’ who display the St George flag for divisive political ends. He said: ‘Quiet British patriotism, people contributing, pulling together, looking out for one another, is what makes us stronger.’

Fuck me with a dead bear’s cock, as patriots go, you’re so fucking plastic you make Nigel Farage look like he was hewn from 100 per cent authentically sourced English oak! Look at you, festooned with fucking flags like a fucking human trestle table at a Queen’s Jubilee street party! As for ‘people contributing, pulling together’, how about getting the fucking super-rich you’re shit scared of to pay their fucking taxes? Or don’t they have to be patriotic, you dead man walking cunt?

The BBC have been taken to task this week for one of their news reports using the Reform logo very prominently in a graphic, which is strictly against bias rules, especially in the run-up to council elections.

You know what? Never mind GB News or any of those fucks. The fucking BBC are the most dangerous news outlet in the UK because, despite a mountain of longstanding evidence, people trust it to be something it patently fucking isn’t, ie. impartial. Your coverage created Nigel Farage and little fucking insidious bits of crap like this tell us you haven’t changed! Democracy would be a shitload healthier these days with the abolition of BBC News, and if he’s got any sense Farage would be fucking begging to bring it back!

Donald Trump has been posting endlessly on social media about the Iran war, which he initiated, veering wildly from triumphant declarations of a ceasefire to threats to bomb vital infrastructure.

You know, it’s normal in grave situations like this for presidents to issue statements to the nation in a serious way at a lectern. But none of that for you, eh, you senile, pouting wodge of desperate sex offender scum! Just randomly fire off a series of posts on your phone as you sit in your fucking nappy gorging on McDonald’s and watching fucking Fox News! The entire world, and this probably includes your ‘loyalists’ and indeed your own fucking wife, are just waiting for you to fucking die! God’s sitting up there looking at his in-tray full of prayers and there’s a mile-high column expressing that single fucking wish! 

Finally, it seems that Palantir, the US tech company headed by Alex Karp with significant contracts in the UK, have published a manifesto extolling the benefits of American power and implying some cultures are inferior to others. It also welcomed AI surveillance of citizens and the return of national service in the USA.

Fuck, super-rich, super-evil bastards like Alex Karp used to be the preserve of shit Bond films like Moonraker. Nothing to do with the real world where rich people were eccentric recluses who kept themselves to themselves and spent their days counting their stock portfolios or polishing their fucking top hats! None of that today! Moonraker is now fucking social realism! And if you’re going to be a threat to the world can you at least hang out with your henchmen in a volcano or a space station so we can send fucking Roger Moore and a demeaningly-named female sidekick take you out!