With Kat Goombs, your Gen X Tiktok beauty influencer guiding you through Korean skincare like a KPop Demon Hunter for crones
SINCE childhood I’ve felt a deep connection to the gastropod. Who could forget those endless, dreamy summers sewing them together for an epic snail conga?
And so this month I’m loving Lancombe’s ‘Juicy Lady’ Snail Trail Mucin, at just £3,985 for a 20ml syringe and the Clear Smear applicator thrown in absolutely free. Cate Blanchett uses it obsessively.
It’s fair to say after one application I was literally transformed. My skin was glowing, my tongue deep-pile furred and one glance through the window revealed how green, luxurious and delectable the neighbour’s delphiniums looked.
Next thing I knew? I was being rudely poked awake with a rake by said neighbour, who I assume was extremely agitated by my unblemished, ageless complexion. And also that I was nude in their garden and said delphiniums were no more than ragged stalks in dirt.
Moving slowly, so as not to crack my new Gen Z face, I inched into the shade and within the hour was feeling fabulously moist and was able to rise and stroll confidently back to my own house, like a real woman.
Now my face is glistening like a well-lubed speculum and my bowels have never been more productive. Soon I’ll develop a hard, changeless carapace from which only a moist face emerges, and isn’t that the ideal woman?
So go on, my loves! If you want to make men gasp and say ‘Why are you so… slimy?’ and ‘I respect a woman who only eats salad, and that very slowly’ then get out there and gastropod that bod!
And if you don’t earn enough, use slugs. Like men, they enjoy it when you pretend to be dead.
