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The Archbishop of Canterbury on… how could Wireless have guessed Kanye was into Nazis?

WAKING with a hangover whose painful pulsing could be detected by the crew of the Artemis II spacecraft, I look back on another week in which a prominent politician sought my counsel. 

This time it was Ed Davey, leader of the Liberal Democrat Party. He wanted to know if I might use my influence in some way to impress on the public consciousness the existence of his party. I granted him an audience.

‘So, on a scale of one to five, how relevant would you describe the Lib Dems as being, with one being “extremely relevant” and five being “utterly irrelevant?” I asked him.

‘Five, I suppose,’ admitted Davey.

‘And what do you stand for? One being “loads of things”, five being “nothing”?’

‘Five again,’ said Davey.

‘Leave it with me,’ I said. ‘In times like these, irrelevancy has its role. Look at who’s relevant right now. And as for standing for things, well, where has that got us? I will prepare a presentation to camera for nationwide broadcast.’

‘You’ll run it by me?’

‘You doubt a man of the cloth?’

‘No, of course not!’

With great alacrity I produced my presentation, which ran as follows: ‘Are you a fucking walking irrelevancy? Are you a pointless waste of fucking space? Well, the fucking Lib Dems are the party for you.’ It did not result in a Lib Dem poll boost. 

And so, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Donald Trump threatened that ‘a whole civilisation will die tonight’ if Iran did not strike a deal with him. He later capitulated, agreeing to a ceasefire on terms less favourable than the agreement reached before the war.

Jesus fucking H Cunt to end all cunts, talk about a cross between Hitler and the fucking Cowardly Lion! I bet you got in a couple of rounds of fucking golf, scumbag shitting idiot evil madman that you are, while people around the world were terrified you might actually press the nuclear button on a fucking whim! But of course, you chickened out again, as you always fucking do! I hope you die fucking soon and it’s prolonged, searing, roaring, burning fucking agony. Which may not sound very Christian, but there’s plenty of that sort of thing, and a lot worse, in the Old fucking Testament!

My attention is drawn to a piece written by Maureen Lipman for the Jewish Chronicle titled ‘Does the world have any idea how tired the people of Israel are?’

Oh, dear, how I fucking sympathise. It must be so exhausting for Israel, day in, day out, carrying out a fucking genocide in Gaza. How draining on the energies must that be? And now relentlessly bombing the population of Lebanon. You must be cream crackered and ready for bed after that! As for the fucking settlers, routing people from their homes so that they can occupy them, think of the the sheer effort involved in that too! It’s a jaw-dropping take on the situation, Maureen, isn’t it? And yet we’re still supposed to think of you as some sort of national treasure. Good to know it’s no obstacle being a fucking psychopath!

The Wireless Festival has been cancelled, following objections to Kanye West headlining for all three nights, which is now impossible after he was barred from entering the UK.

Fuck my hamster, did none of the vacuous, on-their-phones-all-day entrepreneurs behind Wireless anticipate there might be a fucking problem with this? The guy who cut a track called ‘Heil Hitler’, sold merchandise with swastikas and threatened to ‘go death con 3 on Jewish people’? It’s like the fucking White House not realising the Iranians would shut down the Strait of Hormuz if they were attacked! Or being surprised objects fall down not up! Fuckwits!

Finally, Keir Starmer has declared that he is ‘fed up’ with both Trump and Putin and the effect they are having on energy bills.

‘Fed up?’ What kind of pathetic language is that? How do you feel about Hitler, ‘browned off’? I don’t think you actually are fed up, because that would involve feeling some sort of spontaneous emotion, and you only pretend to do that on the back of extensive fucking focus group analysis! If you’re so ‘fed up’ with Trump, why not deny him use of our fucking airbases to carry out his fucking criminal war in Iran? You’re not ‘fed up’, you’re a spineless, soon-to-be-shat-out-of-UK-politics cunt!

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Labour: look out, we've got a new slogan!

WAKING up with a post-Easter hangover whose size would make astronomers classify it as a dwarf planet, I take my customary dose of 48 paracetamol and reflect on the week’s events.

Despite what might have been considered a ‘backfire’ when Nigel Farage made a public appearance with me, only for me to announce he was a corrupt cunt, the Reform UK leader has was back in touch. Last week, he sought to enlist my help in addressing Reform’s decline in the opinion polls, with fears that the party has ‘peaked’.

‘Double down,’ I advised him. ‘The way the Labour party has with such great success. Perhaps Reform are slipping in the polls because people think you aren’t Reform enough. Do something even more Reform, more Reform than you’ve ever dared to be.’

And so it was that, on my advice, Reform UK announced their policy of repatriating all non-white players from British football teams, so as to strengthen and purify their Caucasian player base. I fear the policy has not gone down well, not just in the cities but in small towns where fans fear their teams would be even more shit without their BAME players. Well, you did ask, Mr Farage. If this failed, I advised him to advocate for the mandatory closure of all curry houses. Perhaps he will fare better there.

My work done, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that American Republican politician Marco Rubio has castigated Iran for spending billions of dollars on military weaponry which could have been spent on the welfare of the people.

Jesus fucking cock on a fucking wankstick, as soon as these words have plopped out of your mouth like turds from an incontinent arse, do you not think, oh shit, oh literal shit, I may have left myself open to criticism there? If fucking America diverted its spending on the fucking military to the general population, the whole fucking country would be living in picket-fenced six-bedroom fucking houses with free national health, dentistry and fucking free boiled sweets to keep the free dentists fucking busy! Marco Rubio? Cunto Cuntio more like!

The Labour Party have launched their advertising campaign for the forthcoming council elections. Their slogan is ‘Pride In Britain’. 

Fuck me and my dog! Labour are tanking, absolutely tanking in the polls and evidently they think that the problem is that they’ve not doubled down enough on the mindless, performative fucking sloganeering patriotism you’d expect from some sort of old-style, deposit-losing, far-right splinter party! I don’t have any ‘pride’ in Britain, if that means pride in the political direction its politicians, media and leading influencers are fucking dragging the country in. And that’s frightening authoritarianism, genocide enabling and reviving bigotry. Fuck’s sake – they’re no longer welcome at half the Pride festivals, a festival that takes place in Britain by the fucking way! Clearly, you are still the party of amoral factionalists, crooks and friends of paedophiles and you can fuck the cunt off!

Israel has announced that it is to reinstate the death penalty but only for Palestinians who commit fatal attacks, as opposed to those of other racial persuasions. 

Well, that’s one in the eye and another in the fucking bollocks for those who deny Israel is an apartheid state! There it fucking is, plain as a baboon’s erection in a fucking monkey enclosure, fucking apartheid, right there and then! Not that you haven’t been executing Palestinians on a fucking extra-judicial basis in their tens of thousands, incinerating innocent men, women and children for fucking years! Still, thanks a bunch to Stephen Fry and Bono for their loud fucking words of condemnation! 

Finally, it seems that Louis CK is to headline Hollywood Bowl for a Netflix festival.

Seriously? Seriously? Seriously? The fuck no. This literal fucking wanker, this piece of fucking shit should be out in the fucking wilderness. He’s been cancelled for masturbating in front of women in hotel rooms, and there’s a big misogynist streak in his stand-up routines too. It’s not like any of this is an obscure secret, but clearly various money-hoovering fuckers thought the coast was clear. There’s no claiming you’ve been unfairly silenced by woke if you’ve just been badgering someone to wank in front of them, although in a sane world being universally described as an ‘edgelord’ should have fucked his career by now!

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