Subscribe

Your astrological week ahead for April 4th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Sad that if you enjoy seeing men masturbate your only two career paths are IVF nurse or OnlyFans model. Angel or devil, in society’s eyes.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Sure, if you pay peanuts you get monkeys, but before long they’ve typed you the complete works of Shakespeare. So monkey-wise it’s a mixed bag.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

They announce Barbenheimer 2 and everyone’s just ‘Yeah, I think I quite liked the first one?’

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

“I’m not being funny, but modern slavery is a problem that’s rampant the world over. What? I said I wasn’t being funny.”

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

[camera panning across used bandages, disposable syringes, discarded PPE] “This isn’t just waste. This is medical-grade waste.”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

It takes two to conga, but ideally you want at least six.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Did America invent mules? Because that’s f**king shameful on us if we didn’t at least try.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

‘There’s always one, isn’t there?’ you say, comforting zero.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You can sing the old Scout song about the Quartermaster’s stores to be about Quatermass’s whores. Crowd-pleasing stuff at any sci-fi convention for the over-70s.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Sorry, but if the Romans were so silly as to leave all their coins and rings in fields for us to find, they don’t get them back.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Forgot how to count to ten? Use this simple memory trick: Obi ONE Kenobi, Desmond TWO TWO, THREE Nelson Mandela, Age beFOUR beauty, Maroon FIVE, The Birmingham SIX, SEVEN maids-a-milking, Who EIGHT my last Rolo? NINE NINE NINE with Michael Buerk and Tim Henman was alright at TENnis.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Forget ethical non-monogamy. Do unethical monogamy and rob banks together.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Transcript of press conference on the war being over, won, Europe's to fight and the best is yet to come

With White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, a perfectly ordinary 28-year-old powered by infinite hate 

LEAVITT: There is no war because there’s no Iran, okay? It’s gone. It’s dust. So after three more weeks of strikes the US will withdraw. 

And because it’s over that’s why we need the cowards. The pussy nations of England, France and Sweden? Go reopen the Strait of Hormuz. It’s open already and perfectly safe so get your navy in there.

What are you scared of, boulders? We bombed Iran back to the Flintstones, assholes. They have no conventional weaponry whatsoever and tomorrow we will be bombing their trebuchets. Questions. The BBC?

BBC: Everything you said was entirely contradictory?

LEAVITT: No, you’re being a dick to me. Boom. That just added $100 million to your lawsuit, lime-f**ker. The aims of this war are very clear: bomb Iran, Israel annexes Lebanon, they get to keep their enriched uranium because we’re not monsters. CNN?

CNN: Why are 2,500 Marines being deployed to the Middle East?

LEAVITT: To watch. To watch the high-and-mighty Europeans open that waterway and watch their ships destroyed, and to laugh. Good luck, weenies! Hope it doesn’t blow your entire defence budget! Oh and any oil you get out is ours. Fox News?

FOX: Is the President concerned at how higher gas prices will influence midterm elections?

LEAVITT: You know what it’s illegal to abort mid-term? A baby. And what is this miraculous administration but a beautiful, golden baby representing the new America? So the midterms are criminal and the Democrats are terrorists. One last question. The Aryan Nation Reader? 

AN READER: Why are Islamics being left alive?

LEAVITT: Media with its head screwed on over here, people. Yes, we will continue Iran’s random strikes against Dubai, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and shipping in the Strait as punishment. Okay, we need a guy for a ritual Oval Office beating, volunteers?

Next story ›