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The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Jenrick: let me talk at length about not being able to talk about race

WAKING up with a hangover so intense it is as if my brain has been replaced with a dead goat, I take an aspirin and several gallons of water and reflect on the week’s events. 

I had commenced my project of putting out a series of vicious attack ads to undermine our rivals, the Catholic Church. These were emblazoned on large sheets draped across the roof of Westminster Abbey. 

Slogans included: ‘Do you think Jesus Christ is a piece of bread? The Catholic Church does.’ ‘Do you think it’s acceptable to be gorging on alcohol from a large goblet before midday on a Sunday morning? The Catholic Church does.’ ‘Do you think if you fuck 47 times in your marriage that should result in 47 kids? The Catholic Church does.’

The campaign was a great success – but then I received a call from Pope Leo. ‘Hey listen,’ he said. ‘Between you and me I know what the fuck you’re driving at. But don’t you think guys like us have got bigger fish to fry right now? I’m thinking of one big fucking fish in particular. So maybe lay the fuck off?’

And so I removed the sheets and replaced them with a single one containing a simple message of unity, one designed to appeal to all of humankind. It read: TRUMP IS A CUNT. 

Having brought the world’s faiths closer together, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that the fallout continues over Melania Trump’s surprise statement that she had no connections with Jeffrey Epstein and that there should be a hearing for survivors of the sex trafficker.

Fuck me up and down and fucking sideways, what in the name of fuck was that all about? I was unsure if you’d slept with the other sex offender but now that you flat-out deny it, I can see you fucking did! You’ve certainly put the thought front and centre in the world’s brain, you fucking scripted idiot! And if you want a hearing, here’s a thought – have a word with the dementia-addled orange genocide gibbon that passes for your fucking husband!

Robert Jenrick has spoken out on the case of Axel Rudakubana, convicted of the murder of three children in Southport. He believes that the obvious conclusion is that his race has been downplayed because ‘people are petrified of being singled out as racist’. He added that Rudakubana’s parents should be deported to the ‘perfectly safe’ state of Rwanda.

You know, of all the fetid, low-lying, opportunistic pond scum in UK politics right now, you are among the fucking lowest! Your only value is that you are so conspicuously scumsucking that floating voter types considering voting Reform may well take one look at you, in all of your fucking deep-dyed odium, and think: maybe fucking not. You’re probably one of the reasons Reform are starting to slide in the fucking polls! A cunt who insists on painting over murals at a child asylum unit is not the sort of cunt even cunts can fucking support!

Health secretary Wes Streeting has warned that voting for ‘populist’ parties in the May elections will put the NHS at risk.

Haha, really? Well, when it comes to popular, it’s certainly not fucking Labour you have in mind, is it? Currently about as popular as a petition to have a statue of Jimmy Savile erected in Leeds city centre! As for the NHS being at risk, I’d fucking say it was more at risk from being under the stewardship of a twat who is being funded on the quiet by private health money, and don’t think they’re giving you that out of the kindness of their hearts, you shameless lump of fuck!

Finally, Hungarian prime minister Viktor Orbán’s 16-year tenure has come to an end, following his electoral defeat by one Péter Magyar.

Hahahahahahahahaha! The first good bit of political news this fucking century! Orbán is not only one of the worst fucking leaders in Europe but also the most physically fucking repulsive, like some hideous, misshapen creation rearing up from a fucking slimepit in a kids’ animation movie! Of course, you’ll probably get re-elected in a few years’ time like your fucking rapist, racist mate across the fucking pond because people are mystifyingly stupid and goldfish-brained, but for now let’s enjoy some temporary respite from fucking full-on, moneysucking, cronyist fascism!

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Mash True Crime: 'Should I stop monetising this brutal murder, or are the victim's family being too sensitive?'

Podcaster Jade Grimes doggedly investigates the latest crimes despite her complete lack of qualifications to do so and police pleas to stop

I LIKE to think of myself as a moral person. I was in the Brownies for many years, even earning a Helping the Elderly badge for cleaning out my grandma’s biscuit cupboard. 

Yes, knowing right from wrong is as clear to me as right from left. So it came as a bit of a shock to get an email from the mother of Wayne Hayes asking me to take down the recent episode about him. 

You might remember him as the man from Stevenage who got his head chopped off in a case of mistaken identity. If you’re interested, Episode 394: Oops! Wrong Head! is still available for download.

Needless to say I’m always happy to hear from fans, and I don’t shy away from criticism, either. When someone pointed out that I’d accidentally called Charles Manson ‘Shirley Manson’ for the entirety of my eight-part Sharon Tate series, I was more than happy to add a little disclaimer to the first episode. Attention to detail is my forte, and it’s why I think I’d be a great police detective if I ever decided to apply. 

You’d think someone whose family member had been killed would have a bit of perspective in terms of ‘bad things that can happen to you’, but Margaret (Wayne’s mum) is clearly easily upset. I won’t quote the whole email here, to protect her dignity, but to give you an idea of the level of abuse, she called me ‘a so-called journalist’ and ‘someone who profits off others’ misery’.

By my estimation, Margaret must be in her late 80s by now. As a Boomer, you’d think she’d be pleased to see a member of Gen Z actually working hard and making money. Who does she think is paying for her triple-locked state pension? 

Taking down the episode would mean having to pay back the money from that week’s sponsor. I’m sure M&S would love to hear that I bowed to public pressure not to promote their new spring veg line. I’d be compromising the podcast’s future to please someone who I’m not sure has ever even subscribed. 

She even had the cheek to suggest that I should donate the money I made from the episode to charity. I googled for ages, but I couldn’t find a single charity for cases of mistaken identity, and even if there was one, I bet the money would go to a new paint job for the CEO’s yacht, not helping people like her son. 

I wrote back pointing out all the above, and I’ve yet to get a response. Typical. Remember, you can still enjoy the Wayne Hayes episode – and the delicious greens on offer at your local M&S. Their new organic iceberg lettuce is a head you won’t be unpleasantly surprised to find in your fridge!

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