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Mash True Crime: 'Should I stop monetising this brutal murder, or are the victim's family being too sensitive?'

Podcaster Jade Grimes doggedly investigates the latest crimes despite her complete lack of qualifications to do so and police pleas to stop

I LIKE to think of myself as a moral person. I was in the Brownies for many years, even earning a Helping the Elderly badge for cleaning out my grandma’s biscuit cupboard. 

Yes, knowing right from wrong is as clear to me as right from left. So it came as a bit of a shock to get an email from the mother of Wayne Hayes asking me to take down the recent episode about him. 

You might remember him as the man from Stevenage who got his head chopped off in a case of mistaken identity. If you’re interested, Episode 394: Oops! Wrong Head! is still available for download.

Needless to say I’m always happy to hear from fans, and I don’t shy away from criticism, either. When someone pointed out that I’d accidentally called Charles Manson ‘Shirley Manson’ for the entirety of my eight-part Sharon Tate series, I was more than happy to add a little disclaimer to the first episode. Attention to detail is my forte, and it’s why I think I’d be a great police detective if I ever decided to apply. 

You’d think someone whose family member had been killed would have a bit of perspective in terms of ‘bad things that can happen to you’, but Margaret (Wayne’s mum) is clearly easily upset. I won’t quote the whole email here, to protect her dignity, but to give you an idea of the level of abuse, she called me ‘a so-called journalist’ and ‘someone who profits off others’ misery’.

By my estimation, Margaret must be in her late 80s by now. As a Boomer, you’d think she’d be pleased to see a member of Gen Z actually working hard and making money. Who does she think is paying for her triple-locked state pension? 

Taking down the episode would mean having to pay back the money from that week’s sponsor. I’m sure M&S would love to hear that I bowed to public pressure not to promote their new spring veg line. I’d be compromising the podcast’s future to please someone who I’m not sure has ever even subscribed. 

She even had the cheek to suggest that I should donate the money I made from the episode to charity. I googled for ages, but I couldn’t find a single charity for cases of mistaken identity, and even if there was one, I bet the money would go to a new paint job for the CEO’s yacht, not helping people like her son. 

I wrote back pointing out all the above, and I’ve yet to get a response. Typical. Remember, you can still enjoy the Wayne Hayes episode – and the delicious greens on offer at your local M&S. Their new organic iceberg lettuce is a head you won’t be unpleasantly surprised to find in your fridge!

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You'd look prettier with snails all over your face, by our TikTok beauty influencer

With Kat Goombs, your Gen X Tiktok beauty influencer guiding you through Korean skincare like a KPop Demon Hunter for crones

SINCE childhood I’ve felt a deep connection to the gastropod. Who could forget those endless, dreamy summers sewing them together for an epic snail conga? 

And so this month I’m loving Lancombe’s ‘Juicy Lady’ Snail Trail Mucin, at just £3,985 for a 20ml syringe and the Clear Smear applicator thrown in absolutely free. Cate Blanchett uses it obsessively.

It’s fair to say after one application I was literally transformed. My skin was glowing, my tongue deep-pile furred and one glance through the window revealed how green, luxurious and delectable the neighbour’s delphiniums looked.

Next thing I knew? I was being rudely poked awake with a rake by said neighbour, who I assume was extremely agitated by my unblemished, ageless complexion. And also that I was nude in their garden and said delphiniums were no more than ragged stalks in dirt.

Moving slowly, so as not to crack my new Gen Z face, I inched into the shade and within the hour was feeling fabulously moist and was able to rise and stroll confidently back to my own house, like a real woman.

Now my face is glistening like a well-lubed speculum  and my bowels have never been more productive. Soon I’ll develop a hard, changeless carapace from which only a moist face emerges, and isn’t that the ideal woman?

So go on, my loves! If you want to make men gasp and say ‘Why are you so… slimy?’ and ‘I respect a woman who only eats salad, and that very slowly’ then get out there and gastropod that bod!

And if you don’t earn enough, use slugs. Like men, they enjoy it when you pretend to be dead.

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