WAKING with a hangover whose painful pulsing could be detected by the crew of the Artemis II spacecraft, I look back on another week in which a prominent politician sought my counsel. 

This time it was Ed Davey, leader of the Liberal Democrat Party. He wanted to know if I might use my influence in some way to impress on the public consciousness the existence of his party. I granted him an audience.

‘So, on a scale of one to five, how relevant would you describe the Lib Dems as being, with one being “extremely relevant” and five being “utterly irrelevant?” I asked him.

‘Five, I suppose,’ admitted Davey.

‘And what do you stand for? One being “loads of things”, five being “nothing”?’

‘Five again,’ said Davey.

‘Leave it with me,’ I said. ‘In times like these, irrelevancy has its role. Look at who’s relevant right now. And as for standing for things, well, where has that got us? I will prepare a presentation to camera for nationwide broadcast.’

‘You’ll run it by me?’

‘You doubt a man of the cloth?’

‘No, of course not!’

With great alacrity I produced my presentation, which ran as follows: ‘Are you a fucking walking irrelevancy? Are you a pointless waste of fucking space? Well, the fucking Lib Dems are the party for you.’ It did not result in a Lib Dem poll boost. 

And so, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Donald Trump threatened that ‘a whole civilisation will die tonight’ if Iran did not strike a deal with him. He later capitulated, agreeing to a ceasefire on terms less favourable than the agreement reached before the war.

Jesus fucking H Cunt to end all cunts, talk about a cross between Hitler and the fucking Cowardly Lion! I bet you got in a couple of rounds of fucking golf, scumbag shitting idiot evil madman that you are, while people around the world were terrified you might actually press the nuclear button on a fucking whim! But of course, you chickened out again, as you always fucking do! I hope you die fucking soon and it’s prolonged, searing, roaring, burning fucking agony. Which may not sound very Christian, but there’s plenty of that sort of thing, and a lot worse, in the Old fucking Testament!

My attention is drawn to a piece written by Maureen Lipman for the Jewish Chronicle titled ‘Does the world have any idea how tired the people of Israel are?’

Oh, dear, how I fucking sympathise. It must be so exhausting for Israel, day in, day out, carrying out a fucking genocide in Gaza. How draining on the energies must that be? And now relentlessly bombing the population of Lebanon. You must be cream crackered and ready for bed after that! As for the fucking settlers, routing people from their homes so that they can occupy them, think of the the sheer effort involved in that too! It’s a jaw-dropping take on the situation, Maureen, isn’t it? And yet we’re still supposed to think of you as some sort of national treasure. Good to know it’s no obstacle being a fucking psychopath!

The Wireless Festival has been cancelled, following objections to Kanye West headlining for all three nights, which is now impossible after he was barred from entering the UK.

Fuck my hamster, did none of the vacuous, on-their-phones-all-day entrepreneurs behind Wireless anticipate there might be a fucking problem with this? The guy who cut a track called ‘Heil Hitler’, sold merchandise with swastikas and threatened to ‘go death con 3 on Jewish people’? It’s like the fucking White House not realising the Iranians would shut down the Strait of Hormuz if they were attacked! Or being surprised objects fall down not up! Fuckwits!

Finally, Keir Starmer has declared that he is ‘fed up’ with both Trump and Putin and the effect they are having on energy bills.

‘Fed up?’ What kind of pathetic language is that? How do you feel about Hitler, ‘browned off’? I don’t think you actually are fed up, because that would involve feeling some sort of spontaneous emotion, and you only pretend to do that on the back of extensive fucking focus group analysis! If you’re so ‘fed up’ with Trump, why not deny him use of our fucking airbases to carry out his fucking criminal war in Iran? You’re not ‘fed up’, you’re a spineless, soon-to-be-shat-out-of-UK-politics cunt!