WAKING up with a post-Easter hangover whose size would make astronomers classify it as a dwarf planet, I take my customary dose of 48 paracetamol and reflect on the week’s events.
Despite what might have been considered a ‘backfire’ when Nigel Farage made a public appearance with me, only for me to announce he was a corrupt cunt, the Reform UK leader has was back in touch. Last week, he sought to enlist my help in addressing Reform’s decline in the opinion polls, with fears that the party has ‘peaked’.
‘Double down,’ I advised him. ‘The way the Labour party has with such great success. Perhaps Reform are slipping in the polls because people think you aren’t Reform enough. Do something even more Reform, more Reform than you’ve ever dared to be.’
And so it was that, on my advice, Reform UK announced their policy of repatriating all non-white players from British football teams, so as to strengthen and purify their Caucasian player base. I fear the policy has not gone down well, not just in the cities but in small towns where fans fear their teams would be even more shit without their BAME players. Well, you did ask, Mr Farage. If this failed, I advised him to advocate for the mandatory closure of all curry houses. Perhaps he will fare better there.
My work done, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that American Republican politician Marco Rubio has castigated Iran for spending billions of dollars on military weaponry which could have been spent on the welfare of the people.
Jesus fucking cock on a fucking wankstick, as soon as these words have plopped out of your mouth like turds from an incontinent arse, do you not think, oh shit, oh literal shit, I may have left myself open to criticism there? If fucking America diverted its spending on the fucking military to the general population, the whole fucking country would be living in picket-fenced six-bedroom fucking houses with free national health, dentistry and fucking free boiled sweets to keep the free dentists fucking busy! Marco Rubio? Cunto Cuntio more like!
The Labour Party have launched their advertising campaign for the forthcoming council elections. Their slogan is ‘Pride In Britain’.
Fuck me and my dog! Labour are tanking, absolutely tanking in the polls and evidently they think that the problem is that they’ve not doubled down enough on the mindless, performative fucking sloganeering patriotism you’d expect from some sort of old-style, deposit-losing, far-right splinter party! I don’t have any ‘pride’ in Britain, if that means pride in the political direction its politicians, media and leading influencers are fucking dragging the country in. And that’s frightening authoritarianism, genocide enabling and reviving bigotry. Fuck’s sake – they’re no longer welcome at half the Pride festivals, a festival that takes place in Britain by the fucking way! Clearly, you are still the party of amoral factionalists, crooks and friends of paedophiles and you can fuck the cunt off!
Israel has announced that it is to reinstate the death penalty but only for Palestinians who commit fatal attacks, as opposed to those of other racial persuasions.
Well, that’s one in the eye and another in the fucking bollocks for those who deny Israel is an apartheid state! There it fucking is, plain as a baboon’s erection in a fucking monkey enclosure, fucking apartheid, right there and then! Not that you haven’t been executing Palestinians on a fucking extra-judicial basis in their tens of thousands, incinerating innocent men, women and children for fucking years! Still, thanks a bunch to Stephen Fry and Bono for their loud fucking words of condemnation!
Finally, it seems that Louis CK is to headline Hollywood Bowl for a Netflix festival.
Seriously? Seriously? Seriously? The fuck no. This literal fucking wanker, this piece of fucking shit should be out in the fucking wilderness. He’s been cancelled for masturbating in front of women in hotel rooms, and there’s a big misogynist streak in his stand-up routines too. It’s not like any of this is an obscure secret, but clearly various money-hoovering fuckers thought the coast was clear. There’s no claiming you’ve been unfairly silenced by woke if you’ve just been badgering someone to wank in front of them, although in a sane world being universally described as an ‘edgelord’ should have fucked his career by now!
