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Transcript of press conference on the war being over, won, Europe's to fight and the best is yet to come

With White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, a perfectly ordinary 28-year-old powered by infinite hate 

LEAVITT: There is no war because there’s no Iran, okay? It’s gone. It’s dust. So after three more weeks of strikes the US will withdraw. 

And because it’s over that’s why we need the cowards. The pussy nations of England, France and Sweden? Go reopen the Strait of Hormuz. It’s open already and perfectly safe so get your navy in there.

What are you scared of, boulders? We bombed Iran back to the Flintstones, assholes. They have no conventional weaponry whatsoever and tomorrow we will be bombing their trebuchets. Questions. The BBC?

BBC: Everything you said was entirely contradictory?

LEAVITT: No, you’re being a dick to me. Boom. That just added $100 million to your lawsuit, lime-f**ker. The aims of this war are very clear: bomb Iran, Israel annexes Lebanon, they get to keep their enriched uranium because we’re not monsters. CNN?

CNN: Why are 2,500 Marines being deployed to the Middle East?

LEAVITT: To watch. To watch the high-and-mighty Europeans open that waterway and watch their ships destroyed, and to laugh. Good luck, weenies! Hope it doesn’t blow your entire defence budget! Oh and any oil you get out is ours. Fox News?

FOX: Is the President concerned at how higher gas prices will influence midterm elections?

LEAVITT: You know what it’s illegal to abort mid-term? A baby. And what is this miraculous administration but a beautiful, golden baby representing the new America? So the midterms are criminal and the Democrats are terrorists. One last question. The Aryan Nation Reader? 

AN READER: Why are Islamics being left alive?

LEAVITT: Media with its head screwed on over here, people. Yes, we will continue Iran’s random strikes against Dubai, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and shipping in the Strait as punishment. Okay, we need a guy for a ritual Oval Office beating, volunteers?

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How to tell if your girlfriend has climaxed without troubling to ask, with the Mash sex columnist

WOMEN are proud, shy creatures, who keep their metaphorical cards close to their heaving chests. Has she come? Or not? Might you be offended if you ask? 

Rather than crassly quizzing your lover about whether she got there, you can decode the mystery of her sexual fulfilment by interpreting these clues:

If she seems happy

Orgasms tend to make women feel relaxed and sated. Look for signs that your girlfriend is content, like a smile or a laugh. If she instead rises irritably, heads to the kitchen and tells the cat to ‘f**k off out of it’ then you may not have accompanied her all the way to her happy place.

If she comments ‘Is that it?’

After you roll off, desperately struggling for breath, she could say ‘Wow, that was great’ or ‘I love you.’ If her remarks are closer to ‘Seriously, you’ve finished?’ or ‘For f**k’s sake,’ you may be required to leap once more into the fray.

If she jokes about never orgasming

A subtle one, but if she frequently jokes on the group chat, after a few drinks or when chatting with your own dear mother about how you have never once made her climax, there could be truth behind those words. Or she could be an incredible ironist really pushing the gag as far as it can go. Your call.

If she falls to sleep afterwards

Since the dawn of feminism, man has expected her to come too. It follows, therefore, that no woman would fall asleep after sex unless she has received what is rightfully hers. If you’re disturbed from your own slumbers by her reading, texting, hoovering purse-lipped making sure to bang it into your side of the bed or masturbating, she didn’t.

If she leaves

Modern women take sex seriously, valuing it above trivialities like comfort, money and physical safety. If she hasn’t orgasmed? Then she’ll be straight on the phone to her side piece and arranging for him to finish the job you barely started. Depending on your level of emotional commitment this could crush you or be a tidy little result.

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