WAKING up with a hangover so intense it is as if my brain has been replaced with a dead goat, I take an aspirin and several gallons of water and reflect on the week’s events. 

I had commenced my project of putting out a series of vicious attack ads to undermine our rivals, the Catholic Church. These were emblazoned on large sheets draped across the roof of Westminster Abbey. 

Slogans included: ‘Do you think Jesus Christ is a piece of bread? The Catholic Church does.’ ‘Do you think it’s acceptable to be gorging on alcohol from a large goblet before midday on a Sunday morning? The Catholic Church does.’ ‘Do you think if you fuck 47 times in your marriage that should result in 47 kids? The Catholic Church does.’

The campaign was a great success – but then I received a call from Pope Leo. ‘Hey listen,’ he said. ‘Between you and me I know what the fuck you’re driving at. But don’t you think guys like us have got bigger fish to fry right now? I’m thinking of one big fucking fish in particular. So maybe lay the fuck off?’

And so I removed the sheets and replaced them with a single one containing a simple message of unity, one designed to appeal to all of humankind. It read: TRUMP IS A CUNT. 

Having brought the world’s faiths closer together, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that the fallout continues over Melania Trump’s surprise statement that she had no connections with Jeffrey Epstein and that there should be a hearing for survivors of the sex trafficker.

Fuck me up and down and fucking sideways, what in the name of fuck was that all about? I was unsure if you’d slept with the other sex offender but now that you flat-out deny it, I can see you fucking did! You’ve certainly put the thought front and centre in the world’s brain, you fucking scripted idiot! And if you want a hearing, here’s a thought – have a word with the dementia-addled orange genocide gibbon that passes for your fucking husband!

Robert Jenrick has spoken out on the case of Axel Rudakubana, convicted of the murder of three children in Southport. He believes that the obvious conclusion is that his race has been downplayed because ‘people are petrified of being singled out as racist’. He added that Rudakubana’s parents should be deported to the ‘perfectly safe’ state of Rwanda.

You know, of all the fetid, low-lying, opportunistic pond scum in UK politics right now, you are among the fucking lowest! Your only value is that you are so conspicuously scumsucking that floating voter types considering voting Reform may well take one look at you, in all of your fucking deep-dyed odium, and think: maybe fucking not. You’re probably one of the reasons Reform are starting to slide in the fucking polls! A cunt who insists on painting over murals at a child asylum unit is not the sort of cunt even cunts can fucking support!

Health secretary Wes Streeting has warned that voting for ‘populist’ parties in the May elections will put the NHS at risk.

Haha, really? Well, when it comes to popular, it’s certainly not fucking Labour you have in mind, is it? Currently about as popular as a petition to have a statue of Jimmy Savile erected in Leeds city centre! As for the NHS being at risk, I’d fucking say it was more at risk from being under the stewardship of a twat who is being funded on the quiet by private health money, and don’t think they’re giving you that out of the kindness of their hearts, you shameless lump of fuck!

Finally, Hungarian prime minister Viktor Orbán’s 16-year tenure has come to an end, following his electoral defeat by one Péter Magyar.

Hahahahahahahahaha! The first good bit of political news this fucking century! Orbán is not only one of the worst fucking leaders in Europe but also the most physically fucking repulsive, like some hideous, misshapen creation rearing up from a fucking slimepit in a kids’ animation movie! Of course, you’ll probably get re-elected in a few years’ time like your fucking rapist, racist mate across the fucking pond because people are mystifyingly stupid and goldfish-brained, but for now let’s enjoy some temporary respite from fucking full-on, moneysucking, cronyist fascism!