By Josh Gardner, who wants a house price crash for Christmas
NOW the sacred feast of Cyber Monday is over, we’re fast approaching Boxing Day sales eve, or to use its preferred pronoun, ‘Christmas’.
I can’t wait for it. Christmas is a magical time where you stay with your parents and slip back into your childish self. Ok, no cap, I live like this anyway but at Christmas it’s acceptable.
But for the last few years? Christmas has fallen off. It’s in its flop era. The Xmas vibes are not vibing. Maybe because the world has gone to shit, maybe because I’m in my mid-thirties now, it’s hard to tell.
But I understand the assignment though. Festive cheer must be protected with the fervour of a Nicki Minaj stan, and I’ll deliver it by blocking out all distractions and locking in.
That’s right, I’m Christmasmaxxing. I’m Santa-pilled. I’m shaking-my-belly-like-a-bowl-full-of-jelly-core. And if you hate the sound of these words then I’m afraid to say this is your Scrooge unc origin story.
Being unable to do anything without a video tutorial, I fired up YouTube for inspiration. Two unskippable pre-roll ads and a six-hour detour into Simpsons conspiracy theories later, I’d learnt how to put up tinsel.
Deciding on the Christmas tree was more difficult. Would a real one be cultural appropriation of Sami culture? Would a plastic one be bad for the environment, or more friendly in the long run? I went for whichever was cheapest.
As for the food, Christmas wouldn’t be a Yuletide event without turkey, sprouts, and pigs in blankets. Mum really came in clutch because I don’t know how to cook and Huel hasn’t released a festive flavour yet.
The only thing that was left to sort was the presents. And seeing as I’ve been lucky enough not to be able to afford to have kids, I don’t have to buy anything! I just handed my parents my list, which was a piece of piss.
Christmas? Done like a Dubai-based influencer. No idea why folks are so triggered by it. It’s a safe space of yuletide energy for me. When’s Home Alone on?
