WAKING with a hangover so searing I have to call the fire brigade and have them direct a hose at full blast directly into my mouth for ten minutes in order to rehydrate, I reflect on the past week.
I had noted that a certain vocal section of the public is insistent that the biggest problem currently facing the UK is an influx of small boats.
I therefore announced, on right-wing social media pages, a church-led initiative in accordance with the sentiments of fellow Christian Tommy Robinson. A counter-incursion of small boats, supplied by myself, 80 in total, to put to water on the English Channel. It would be sailed by patriotic volunteers determined to stem the tide of asylum seekers.
We gathered at dawn; I personally arranged for the volunteers to pick up their vessels at the beach and take to the water one by one. Now, I am no seaman, and on reflection most if not all of the vessels I supplied were probably not shipshape, or capable of sailing further than a mile out to sea. I don’t know how my volunteers fared because I had other matters to attend to. Although I am vaguely aware of sightings of desperate bald men swimming as best they could back to shore having been forced to abandon their boats, bedraggled and half-drowned.
A lesson there, somewhere. And so I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that the Republicans have plans to vet the last five years of social media posts of any foreigner intending to visit America.
Hahaha, well if your tourist industry wasn’t already completely fucked, thanks to the stupid orange racist rapist you placed not once but twice on the golden toilet seat of the presidency, it fucking is now! I’d sooner visit fucking North Korea than America in its current state! I’d rather go to fucking Doncaster! But apparently, all this shit just flies unchecked because there’s no one, not fucking one of you, prepared to slap this senile, infantile, pathologically narcissistic fuck around the chops and tell him to shove his fascism up his fat arse!
‘Adult content creator’ Bonnie Blue has backed Nigel Farage and Reform UK, stating she believes they have the best ideas for the country. She is also being deported from Bali for attempting to produce ‘barely legal’-themed pornographic videos.
Fuck me, Farage, you don’t half pick them! Or in this case, they pick you! You could lift up a large rock on a wet day and find less creepy, horrible fucking creatures under it than are currently infesting Reform UK! You might get into fucking power, thanks to the craven fucking uselessness of Labour, but I suspect once you’re there you’ll make Liz Truss’s tenure look like Franklin D Roosevelt’s by comparison! You’ll be in one of Bonnie’s fucking videos before you know it, and who wouldn’t want a ride on the ‘bang bus’ with Lee Anderson?
Tony Blair has been dropped from the ‘Board Of Peace’ mooted by Donald Trump to oversee Gaza, following objections from Arab and Muslim countries.
Hahaha, what a fucking shame, you were desperate to fucking sit on an elevated platform in a white jacket and plumed hat as fucking Viceroy of Gaza, weren’t you? ‘Peace’, my arse. The sort of ‘peace’ that emanates from a landscape of rubble with every human being displaced or dead. And now Trump’s shat you out you’re going to have to find some other arse to take up residence in, aren’t you? Why not try out your old pal Vladimir Putin for size, eh? A nice little anal dacha in his rectum, you ageing rocker vibe twat!
Finally, the government has unveiled its branding for Great British Railways, the rail company resulting from its partial re-nationalisation of the railways.
Fuck’s sake, what’s this ‘Great British’ about? We live here, we know how far from ‘great’ the reactionary, unequal, drizzly, tepid, racist, gormless, fawning Atlantic protrusion Britain is! And it’s not helped by the stewardship of the current bunch of cunts! Even fucking Jimmy Savile was happy with plain old ‘British Rail’! Of course we know what it’s about really – doggedly playing the patriotic card to win back Reform voters, because that’s worked so fucking well! Just call it what it is, at least it’d be a laugh asking for a return on Desperate Patriotic Bollocks Railways!
