New Figures Show Slight Increase In Demand For Stupid, Pointless Shit

BRITAIN could soon return to borrowing money from institutional loan sharks so it can buy shiny things to distract it from its desolate, meaningless existence, economists said last night.

A range of statistics revealed the green shoots of a pointless recovery by the end of the year, which experts insisted was a virtual guarantee that no-one would learn anything at all.

The Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors said house prices were on course to reach 'arbitrary' by December and could return to 'absurd' as early as next April.

Meanwhile the Chartered Institute of Purchasing and Supply said the country's vitally unimportant service sector was starting to pick up as more companies returned to bullshitting each other for £200 an hour.

Tom Logan, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "It's coming to an end just in the nick of time. The worst thing about a long, drawn-out recession is the danger that some people might actually start thinking about what it all means.

"If someone is unable to buy a shiny thing for more than, say, nine months, then you run the very real risk of them wondering if they even needed the shiny thing in the first place.

"At that point the house of cards collapses and people will be forced to grow their own vegetables, learn how to play a home-made musical instrument and have actual thoughts.

"And once a person starts having thoughts they are just one small step away from having a conversation that is not utterly fucking stupid.

"The only way we can put an end to the risk of thoughts is to make sure there are no more recessions. But of course we can't do that because we haven't had time to learn anything."

He added: "Have you seen G.I. Joe? Fantastic. I liked the bit where the thing explodes."


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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's about that ringtone of yours. The one of that terrorist puppet shouting 'I Keell You!' Well, the thing is, unless you delete it immediately, I will 'keell' you. So, you know, something to think about there.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

The collection of bogeys you've been keeping in your desk drawer is almost complete. Try throwing it in your boss's face this Friday during your disciplinary hearing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Since when has it been against the law to look up while travelling on an escalator? I know my rights.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

While some may view your wide-eyed wonder at all the joys of the world and your love of home-made badges and fairy cakes as endearingly child-like, it makes most of us want to chain you to a dishwasher and throw you in a canal.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Your bankruptcy hearing goes badly this week as your creditors are told that you used their numerous bills, final demands and court threats to make yourself a little fort in your living room.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

The moon starts off in your sign this week but then pops round to Sagittarius for some spliff and ends up with a whitey after caning it on the bucket bong.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
While it's true that lightning never strikes twice, streaks of quite incredible bad luck often happen to the likes of you. So brace yourself.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Virgo bustles around your flat, picking up dirty dishes and socks, wearing a face of enforced martyrdom that will make you want to bite your fist off in irritation.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
So far this week your actions have caused your adoptive parents to be burned to a cinder and your mentor beheaded. You've snogged your sister and you've murdered thousands of innocent public sector workers by blowing up a moon-sized spaceship. Enough with this 'force' shit, alright?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
By the age of five, Mozart had completed his first musical compositions. So, let's look at your achievements, shall we? Completing Bioshock on the PS3. Gosh.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Two major things dominate your life this week, pervert sex and the acquisition of money through despicable fraud. But where's your parade?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Expect doors that were once firmly closed to you to suddenly swing open and smash you squarely in the face.