Gypsies Handed £5m To Get On Daily Mail Readers’ Tits

BRITAIN'S Romany gypsies have been given a £5 million grant to do whatever they want as long as it infuriates the shit out of Daily Mail readers.

Admit it, a Titchmarsh bonfire would be brilliant fun

Officials hope the gypsies will use some of the money to buy land next to a cul-de-sac in Guildford where they will establish a permanent bonfire and allow their children to ride their quadbikes over local rockeries while shouting sexually explicit swearwords.

A spokesman for the Department for Persons of the Road said: "Or they could burn a massive wicker man filled with Union Jacks, Songs of Praise DVDs and Alan Titchmarsh.

"Or they could host a gay pride festival for bristly mongrel dogs dressed in burqhas and frilly suspenders. Whatever floats their boat."

June Fothergill, from Stevenage, said: "Naturally I am both shocked and disgusted that gypsies, who do nothing but bake hedgehogs in clay and use their magic to sterilise horses, should be handed a seven figure sum just to irritate my breasts.

"However, as a Daily Mail reader, I do derive sexual pleasure from being frightened and thrive on paranoid hate and ill-informed bothermongering in much the same way that a cheeseplant thrives on sunlight. So in that sense I'm a bit conflicted."

She added: "I suspect I shall have to reserve judgement until Mr Littlejohn has given me my orders."

Romany people have their own set of equally superstitious beliefs about Daily Mail readers, believing them to be a race of lesser beings who evolved from owls, sleep in bathtubs filled with liver and make ice lollies from cat urine.