NO-ONE in the UK has passed the government's tough new citizenship test, with 85% of the country claiming that Winston Churchill is an artificial dog.
The test, designed to weed out communists and angry brown people who hate the army, featured questions on British history, social etiquette and the films of Norman Wisdom.
No one did well enough to stay in the country, although a Japanese tourist who accidentally wandered into the examination hall did manage to scrape a D minus.
Home secretary Alan Johnson must now choose between evacuating the British Isles or putting everyone in a form of after-school detention, where they will receive compulsory patriotism lessons from terrifying, gout-addled former wing commanders.
A Home Office spokesman said: "Despite making it multiple choice, putting the right answers in a slightly bigger font and letting people use the internet, everyone somehow managed to fuck this up.
"Seventy percent of the candidates thought that D-Day was a urine-based gay sex act, and that the Great War was so called because it was 'the most enjoyable war that had yet occurred'."
Jack Easton, a civil engineer from Kent who took the test last week, said: "I knew that Winston Churchill worked for an insurance company, but then I screwed up the bit about how it's best if the Labour Party decides what freedom of speech is."
He added "Eventually I just gave up and carved 'Dan C is a gaylord' in the desk with a compass, then spent the last half hour slapping myself on the forehead with a plastic ruler."