Entire UK Population Fails Citizenship Test

NO-ONE in the UK has passed the government's tough new citizenship test, with 85% of the country claiming that Winston Churchill is an artificial dog.

The test, designed to weed out communists and angry brown people who hate the army, featured questions on British history, social etiquette and the films of Norman Wisdom.

No one did well enough to stay in the country, although a Japanese tourist who accidentally wandered into the examination hall did manage to scrape a D minus.

Home secretary Alan Johnson must now choose between evacuating the British Isles or putting everyone in a form of after-school detention, where they will receive compulsory patriotism lessons from terrifying, gout-addled former wing commanders.

A Home Office spokesman said: "Despite making it multiple choice, putting the right answers in a slightly bigger font and letting people use the internet, everyone somehow managed to fuck this up.

"Seventy percent of the candidates thought that D-Day was a urine-based gay sex act, and that the Great War was so called because it was 'the most enjoyable war that had yet occurred'."

Jack Easton, a civil engineer from Kent who took the test last week, said: "I knew that Winston Churchill worked for an insurance company, but then I screwed up the bit about how it's best if the Labour Party decides what freedom of speech is."

He added "Eventually I just gave up and carved 'Dan C is a gaylord' in the desk with a compass, then spent the last half hour slapping myself on the forehead with a plastic ruler."

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Charity Believes Everything Teenagers Say

A CHARITY set up to protect teenagers from bullying cannot tell when it is being lied to, it emerged last night.

Beatbullying said that more than a third of teenagers had been sent a sexually explicit text message which they found distressing, even though they obviously didn't.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "There are still too many vulnerable anti-bullying charities falling victim to teenage liars.

"Teenagers get the hang of new technology very quickly and are soon able to use it to lie to charities, generate excited press coverage and generally get everyone to waste their time."

Prof Brubaker said the most common way of lying to a charity is via an anonymous online survey, though there are still hundreds of old-fashioned teenagers who prefer to tell charities the most outrageous lies to their face.

He added: "Teenagers are like Nick Cotton from Eastenders. They betray you and then come back a few months later and convince you they've changed. It's easy to forgive them because they're such good liars, but eventually they will try to kill you with poisoned yoghurt."

Keira Thompson, 15, from Hatfield, said: "My friend's boyfriend's brother sent me a text last week about putting his big fat cock into my poo-nanny.

"The charity people asked me if I found it upsetting and because I had not been the centre of attention for about 20 minutes, I decided to say yes. I even managed to cry."

She added: "But the fact is, whenever I get a text about someone's big fat cock I immediately show it to all my friends and we have right good laugh. Cock is such a funny word."