Rural Folk Turn To Porn Pigeons

PEOPLE in rural areas with poor internet access are receiving their pictures of vaginas by courier pigeon.

The birds, which are housed in the lofts of major LA porn studios, relay hardcore pornography via USB sticks and rolled-up photographs inserted into their backsides.

They land outside the home offices or sheds of subscribers to the service and are also trained to be completely non-judgemental.

One subscriber from the Peak District said: "They have provided me with my own dedicated pigeon, Icarus, who visits me weekly with a memory stick containing the images of bareback double anal that are my particular pecadillo.

"After viewing the films I strap a tenner to his wing with an elastic band and gently re-insert the USB stick using a touch of Swarfega."

He added: "People say it's a hassle but when I was a boy I crossed three counties to look at a torn photocopy of a page from Razzle that a cousin's friend's brother had hidden in an orchard.

"Back then, if I had been able to find hours of extreme pornography up a pigeon, I'd have thought all my Christmases had come at once. I suppose it's a generational thing."

But said 'Terry E' of Suffolk said: "My wife got suspicious and secretly bought a hawk. I got up one morning and the lawn was strewn with feathers and pictures of splayed bumholes. Busted.

"But I still think it's a great system overall. You could probably use the same principle to replicate other functions of home internet access. Whatever they are."

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Everyone Now Assuming You're A Kiddie-Fiddler

YOU look like you might be one of them dirty, horrid kiddie-fiddlers, it was confirmed last night.

According to new government regulations you are up to no good and always have this weird look in your eye, you horrendous pervert.

Officials stressed that not only do you have a lot of cameras but you have also been hanging about the school gates, grinning at the first years and touching yourself through the pockets of your grimy raincoat.

Meanwhile it has also emerged that you seem very keen to pick up loads of children from football practice and then take them to Pizza Hut where you will encourage them to order the sexiest toppings and then film them all eating melted cheese.

But last night the newly-formed Independent Safeguarding Authority agreed to tell people that you had probably stopped being an unspeakable beast if you paid it £64.

A spokesman said: "We will give you a certificate that says you are allowed to give up to three children a lift as long as they are all wearing space suits and you keep your hands on the steering wheel where we can see them."

He added: "Now get out of my sight, you repellent creep. I think I'm going to be sick."

The Daily Mash Guide to being vetted successfully:

DO say that children are 'nice', but not 'hunky'.

DO NOT offer round a bag of sweets during the interview.

DO NOT say that your ideal woman is Bonnie Langford.

DO wash your hair and buy a pair of up-to-date spectacles.

DO NOT wear items of clothing depicting well-known cartoon characters.

DO NOT offer anyone a pony.