Scientists Recommend Massive Arguments

BLAZING, expletive-filled rows, resulting in one partner sleeping on the couch are good for your health, it was claimed last night.

Research by the Institute For Studies found that subjects slept better if the love of their lives was nowhere near them and that provoking venomous arguments could extend life expectancy by at least four years.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "It's not just about duvet stealing, snoring and toxic flatulence. Sleep patterns improve if a woman can spreadeagle herself across the bed while her partner watches late-night grot channels downstairs with the sound turned down."

Brubaker said his study was prompted after coming home from a Christmas party at 3am stinking of gin and research assistant.

He added: "I crept into bed and my wife immediately woke up, slung my arse onto the sofa and went back to sleep.

"The next morning, after examining various stains on my lab coat I could not furnish an adequate explanation for, she proposed continuing the arrangement until further notice.

"She subsequently went to live with her sister, which was beyond standard experimental parameters, but it has produced some very robust data as she's currently screwing a tennis coach and sleeping like a top."

Nikki Hollis, a housewife from Knutsford, said: "I've had a long day and I could really do with eight hours of uninterrupted sleep so tonight I will be asking my husband if he thinks Kate Beckinsale is prettier than me."

Cash-Strapped Nasa Lands On Swindon

A MANNED mission to Swindon touched down successfully last night near the town's factory outlet village.

The four crew of the NASA space shuttle will spend the next three days exploring the Wiltshire town before returning to Earth on Sunday.

The astronauts will take mineral samples from the Brunel Shopping Arcade and could take their specially-built Swindon buggy as far as the Oasis Leisure Centre, where they will test the water in the swimming pool for intelligent micro-organisms and possibly have a go on the slides.

A NASA spokesman: "I'd be lying if I said cutbacks were not a factor.

"One of the crew has a cousin in Swindon. He's called Ray, he's really nice and he has a biggish spare room where the astronauts can all stay in exchange for a few sachets of our freeze dried ice cream."

In his first message from the Wiltshire surface, mission commander Colonel Todd Logan said: "It's a very alien environment. They've still got a Wimpy and we've see one local inhabitant with the word 'wankpig' tattooed on his forehead."

But Logan's deputy Captain Zoe Armstrong told mission controllers in Houston: "The others are really into it, they're all deliberately walking funny like the gravity's different and they've got their helmets on and everything.”

She added: "When I signed up for manned missions I was hoping for the International Space Station, or even Mars. I did not expect to be emptying the catheter on my space suit in the customer toilet at Homebase."

Meanwhile conspiracy theorists are already dismissing the Swindon landing as a fake.

Martin Davies, editor of paranoia.com, said: "All the scientific evidence tells us that you cannot travel to Swindon without dying horribly from radiation poisoning.

"And anyway, if you look at the way the shadows are falling at different angles it becomes really obvious that it's Chippenham, or possibly Devises."