England Fans Begin Search For Places To Fight And Urinate

ENGLISH football fans were scouring South African guide books last night as the search began for the best places to fight and piss.

England's emphatic 5-1 victory over Croatia maintained the team's 100% qualification record, with pundits predicting the country may finally have a squad that could keep its fans fighting and pissing all the way to the final.

Travel writer Tom Logan said: "South Africa is an exciting country with a breathtaking landscape, friendly people and vibrant cities that are just crying out to be covered in broken glass and completely drenched in English urine."

Meanwhile sophisticated England fans are using Google Earth to gain a bird's eye view of cities including Johannesburg, Durban and Cape Town, allowing them to quickly home-in on tree-lined squares and other open spaces where they could get a good run at some Dutch people who have been minding their own business.

Stephen Malley, a grade-four bastard from Doncaster, said: "I hope we get Venezuela in our group. I've always wanted to meet someone from Venezuela, compare the finer points of our two cultures and then put the fucker in hospital."

Roy Hobbs, a veteran public urinator from Grantham said: "Durban looks like it might have a couple of very quaint, colonial-style fighting squares and, according to Lonely Planet, it also has some really lovely antique shops that you can piss against."

He added: "Hopefully we'll have time to go on a safari. I want to get as close as I can to South Africa's magnificent wildlife and then hit it very hard in the face with a plastic chair."

South African policeman, Dirk DeVeldt, said: "Oi am very glad that England have qualified for the finals. Oi haven't shot someone in the back for a long, long time."

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Jordan And Andre Granted Quickie Interview And Photoshoot

JORDAN and Peter Andre were yesterday granted a 'quickie' interview and photoshoot deal with Okay! magazine.

A High Court judge said it was in the interests of both parties that the end of their pretend marriage be covered in page after page of full colour photographs and dramatic pull-out quotes.

Although neither was present for the hearing, both were represented by legal teams screaming obscene curses at each other on their behalf.

A spokesman for Andre said: "The deal includes a 200-word sidebar about how Peter is getting back to normal and returning to his daily routine of inventing strange new words and doing loads and loads of sit-ups on a sunbed."

Meanwhile Jordan is understood to be relieved that the article will not be dragged out over months as she has to devote time to finding someone to write her next book.

Her spokesman said: "Articles about divorce are never easy, but she really wants people to know that she has put the past behind her and is finally moving on with her nipples."

The pretend marriage fell apart earlier this year after one of the imaginary horses inside Jordan's head accused Andre of looking at a picture of a woman in a magazine whilst smiling. She immediately responded by running him over in her Humvee and posting two Ultimate Fighters at the entrance to her vulva.

Okay! reader Nikki Hollis said: "I can't wait to see pictures of their palatial child visitation room and glamorous divorce counselling sessions. Sometimes I look at my own life and cry until my throat's raw."