Beatles Video Game Brings Cutting-Edge Technology To Mid-Life Crisis

A CONSOLE game based on the Beatles is heralding a new wave in interactive mid-life crises for balding, insecure GQ readers, it was claimed last night.

Software firms have unveiled a series of desperately sad titles for the mid-40s male market, including an 'emotions-based platform game' inspired by the novels of Tony Parsons, and Time Team 3D Archaeological Dig, which comes in a limited edition presentation box with a lock of Tony Robinson's ear hair.

A spokesman for Rock Star Games said: "By focusing on massive robots, thrash metal and space stations full of zombies, we've been inadvertently alienating millions of paunchy middle managers.

"Yet these are the kind of people who'll fork out a grand on a 'collector's edition' U2 vinyl box set with an 'individually numbered' hologram of Bono's magic testicle in the wildly misguided belief that it might somehow make teenage girls want to sleep with them."

He added: "'They have now reached a stage in their lives where they are basically eight year-old children with Barclaycards."

In Tony Parsons' Legend of the Male Menopause for the PS3, players accumulate 'sensitivity points' for doing thoughtful things for their in-game 'life partners' with the ultimate mission of balancing fatherhood and fashionable footwear.

Greg Watson, a 46 year-old advertising account manager from London, said: "It's so great that there are finally games coming out for men who like to listen to Robert Elms while eating brioche."

But his 13-year-old son Jonas disagreed: "These games are fucking gay and retarded and make me hate my father even more than I already did, as if that was possible.

"The Beatles game is the worst. When I see my dad and his annoying, fat, hairy workmates fumbling the chords to Hey Jude on tiny multi-coloured plastic guitars, I want to just buy him a t-shirt that says 'my cock doesn't work anymore'."

He added: "But at least it distracts his attention from my raging smack habit. Swings and roundabouts."

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Do We Really Need Doctors? Asks Britain

THERE were calls last night for a national debate over whether or not Britain really needs doctors.

As the British Medical Association called for a ban on thinking about alcohol, experts said it was time to start planning for a doctor-free society.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Once again the BMA is talking about alcohol being a threat to 'public' health as if that's an actual thing.

"There is 'my' health, which is 'mine', and 'your' health which is 'yours', but there is no 'our' health. D'you see?

"And while there are individuals who can't handle their sherbert, why not deal with them as individuals instead of constantly demanding a tax on anything that hasn't already been banned and generally getting on my tits?"

He added: "The quickest way to get rid of doctors is to simply pay them to stop being doctors.

"The only thing they love more than calling for things to be banned is truly gigantic sums of money swilling around in their current accounts.

"If we're serious about creating a doctor-free society then taxes will inevitably have to rise, but just imagine for a moment a future where you are not being made to feel like a murderer by some Audi-driving tit who just happened to spend an extra year at university."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: "I'm quite happy to bung my symptoms into Google and then order the pills from Amazon. And if I need something lopped off I can down a bottle of gin and place myself in the capable hands of that nice young man who works on the meat counter at Asda."

She added: "I am really looking forward to walking into my local GP surgery next week and telling them all to go piss up a rope."