BBC Dismantles Robert Peston

THE BBC has begun dismantling Robert Peston in the clearest signal so far that the recession is over.

As Kraft launched a £10bn bid for Cadbury and GDP rose slightly, the corporation's business editor was strapped to a trolley and taken to a garage in Deptford where he will be broken down into his 498 constituent parts, which will then be scrubbed with sandpaper and covered in grease.

A spokesman said: "Business news is only interesting when it's absolutely terrifying. Once things start to return to their normal levels of tedium there's really no need for a large, complicated Peston.

"It will also give us a chance to make some essential modifications so that by the time of the next recession in April 2014 we can wheel out a fully upgraded Peston but without such an unbelievably annoying voice."

Engineers have already removed the arms, knees and feet and are expected to begin unscrewing the buttocks later today.

Bill McKay, the corporation's chief dismantler, said: "The buttocks are always the hardest part. They get all gummed up so you need to get right in there with some turps and a chisel.

"The head, on the other hand, is a doddle. It's attached to his neck by a couple of brass clips and just pops right off."

He added: "We'll number all the different parts and store them in a vast warehouse where we keep what's left of Keith Chegwin and Lesley Judd."

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Job Ads To Encourage Lazy British Imbeciles

EMPLOYERS will have to advertise jobs to idle British morons for at least a month before they can be offered overseas, it was confirmed last night.

Ministers say extending the time limit by two weeks will finally convince the indigenous unemployed to stop watching Jeremy Kyle while pushing cheese-filled meat into the largest of the holes at the front of their heads.

Home secretary Alan Johnson said: "Employers will have to pitch job adverts at an eight year-old reading standard. Preferably with pictures showing what the work is – a stick man picking beetroot, for example."

Job centres will entice the unemployed into the building with a trail of pop tarts and WKD miniatures from betting shops and Wetherspoons.

Once inside, the doors will be locked until they have promised to at least consider sitting in a warehouse for 35 hours a week making racist jokes and hating women.

Meanwhile new figures show that economic migrants from central and eastern Europe are returning home en masse after agreeing that the UK is an awful place to live.

Pietr Nowak, a Polish joiner who has been working in Doncaster for two years, said: "I no understand why you all live here? It very bad.

"You come Poland, work for my Uncle Lech, sleep in attic, eat soup. Is much better than Doncastings, yes?"