READY to be someone else in the bedroom? Someone fumbling their lines and feeling deep humiliation? Combining the worse of bored sex and am-dram? Give roleplay a try. 

Any of these common scenarios will see you and your lover subject yourselves to an experience which forever after you’ll be ashamed to discuss:

Teacher and student

A nice place to start, or you thought it was before you slipped so easily into channelling Mr Whittaker the woollen-suited PE teacher with the lisp. Too easily. It was like he was there waiting to come out and also it made you rock-hard. You never realised him saying ‘Come on girlth, jump nithe and high’ was a core aphrodisiac memory.

Cleaning lady and boss

This began well, with so much spontaneous bending-over, but triggered a marital argument when you realised how much more cleaning you actually do around the house than that lazy f**ker and now he’s grabbing your arse as well? The only thing that got wet was the floor you were mopping.

Time-traveller

Establish rules. Otherwise you’ll both ending up standing unclothed arguing about whether it’s possible to have sex with your own grandmother or it creates a paradox. Plus she wants to be a cavewoman and you want to be a strict Victorian and neither of you has the talent. You wish you could travel to when couples didn’t do roleplay and instead embraced infidelity when their relationship went dry.

Doctor and patient

You borrowed your son’s toy stethoscope but had to stow it in the wardrobe once you saw the Peppa Pig logo. And now the sexy examination has taken an unexpected turn as your husband asks you to check that funny mole on his back and there isn’t a sexy way to browse WebMD.

French maid

The costume looked promising on the website, but in the flesh it’s more like a frilly bin-liner and definitely no naked flames. Also your girlfriend’s French accent so bad you mentally cancel a citybreak in Paris. Meanwhile you haven’t been assigned a character and are stuck being yourself.

Sci-fi

As if you weren’t bad enough at sex, you invite Big Bang Theory into the bedroom. She’s horrified that you’ve been making a robot costume in the garage for two months. All attempt to spray her silver – it’s fine, it’s edible body spray – are rebuffed. Requests that she bleep which you go down on her are refused. Al these years and your mother was right. You’re not normal.