Skank Gene Isolated
TEENAGE girls who have sex before they are old enough to have a library card are a victim of their DNA, it was claimed last night.
Researchers say the 'Colchester2043' gene was prevalent in every test subject found naked under a pile of coats at a school disco.
According to experts Colchester2043 looks like a pair of hoop earrings surrounding a bottle of WKD. It is also a recessive gene whose phenotypic characteristic expresses itself via the wearing lingerie for a night out in mid-February.
Professor Julian Cook said: "This clearly plays a role in early sexual development, even though most teenagers are like muskrats dipped in pheromones and would dry-hump a pile of bricks."
Cook believes gene therapy could help carriers of Colchester2043 and has called for extra funding for experimental knee-stapling and the staged withdrawal of skanks from McDonalds car parks.
But Gemma Hollis, Sheffield's reigning under-16 Skank of the Year, said she always knew her sexual impulses were beyond her control, before cleaning her trap with a KFC handwipe and arranging her next bout of intercourse via text message.
She added: "So, am I getting paid for talking to you? Give us a tenner and I'll throw in a Reverse Dutch Steamboat as well."