NINE out 10 children never want to smoke cigarettes, preferring the spiralling high of hydroponically grown skunk, according to a new survey.
The poll showed a generation of children have branded cigarettes 'uncool' compared to the prospect of chasing neon leopards with eight friends that are not actually there.
Government campaigns depicting smokers as homosexual PS2-owners in supermarket trainers have led to a record number of youths shunning cigarettes in favour of zoo-strength hallucinogens.
Jack Barnes, a psychotropically-addled teenager from Knutsford, said: "Fags just make your clothes stink don't they? But crack smells lush and makes you feel like your heart's about to implode. It's fucking mint, trust me."
Dealers are increasingly trying to attract younger customers, with a Carlisle drug raid uncovering a stash of ketamine tablets shaped like Barney the Dinosaur and a cache of syringes that play the 'I Keell You!' ringtone when the plunger is activated.
The arrested dealer had also enticed local schoolchildren by cutting his Hippocampus Raper cannabis with Cheese Strings and Sunny Delight.
Although everybody under the age of 30 will be 'functionally schizophrenic', NHS bosses predict that by 2030 smoking will be the preserve of the UK's vast elderly population.
A department of health spokesman said: "It'll be a country full of wheezing pensioners and saucer-eyed, hooting youngsters. You'll need a line of gak and a packet of Regals just to cope with it all."