Arsehole dinner party host accepts offer of help with washing up

A DINNER party guest has been forced to do the washing up after the arsehole host accepted her offer of help.

Woman mourning Geronimo the alpaca firmly in favour of capital punishment

A WOMAN broken-hearted at the death of Geronimo the alpaca backs the reintroduction of the death penalty, she has confirmed.

Five mildly embarrassing incidents that will torture you forever

THE major screw-ups in your life can be healed with time and therapy, but these relatively minor embarrassments will haunt you until your dying day.

Child to be sewn into new school jumper

PARENTS of a child known for losing school clothing have decided to have him permanently sewn into his new school jumper.

Carrying on shopping while in the checkout queue, and other acts of supermarket arseholery

ARE you frequently in state of silent rage about the twats in your local Asda? Here are some of the worst offenders.

Life in the old days was simultaneously punishingly hard and much better than now, grandfather confirms

A 66-YEAR-OLD has confirmed that life when he was younger was uncomfortable and difficult at the same time as being wonderful in every way.

Top swearwords for cowards too afraid to swear f**king properly

WE all have our bad days which is why we’ve developed the vocabulary to describe shite, shitty or piss-awful experiences. But some arseholes say this bollocks instead.

Fantasy football and other reasons women will always be the superior gender

‘SHOULD I keep Sancho in my fantasy football team?’ is just one of the questions puzzling dumbshit men across Britain today.

Eating apple pips will make a tree grow in you, and other idiotic things you believed as a kid

All children are profoundly thick and will believe any old crap. Here’s some of the nonsense you no doubt bought into.

Five things today's kids would be horrified about from the 1980s

THE past is a different country, especially the 1980s. Here are some of the horrors of the decade today’s youngsters have mercifully avoided.