Three-field crop rotation and the other dull-as-shit British history you got taught at school

OTHER countries have interesting history. In Britain, the best you get is a man in a crown dying in a muddy field in Leicestershire.

Being ignored by shallow wankers: five advantages to being unattractive

EVER thought that the beautiful get all the perks? Not entirely. These five things that make being plain and unappealing worthwhile.

Jubilee no longer sounds like a real word, Britain agrees

HAVING heard the word 'jubilee' so much over the last few days, the public agrees it no longer knows if it is real or not.

Six ways to let the nation down this weekend

TO you it may just be a four-day bender, but to loyal Britons it’s a magnificent celebration of our beloved monarch. So how will you be letting the kingdom down over the Jubilee weekend? 

70 glorious years: The inexorable decline of Britain and how the Queen helped

BRITAIN has been sliding towards a gloom-ridden dystopia over the last 70 years and the Queen has done nothing to stop it. Here's how it unfolded.

People using the phrase 'Platty Joobs', and other reasons to start drinking this morning

WE’VE got four days of Queen-based nonsense to get through, so you’d better crack open a bottle immediately. Here are the horrors it will help you blot out.

Your seven-day guide to how this Jubilee bullshit plays out

THERE’S a full week of Platinum Jubilee bollocks ahead, and it gets worse from today onwards. This is how it’s going to go.

How you're getting f**ked over in imperial weights and measures

THE government is to continue f**king you over but in an arcane system of weights and measures it hope you will not understand. Here's how it will work.

Six wankers you only meet in London

LONDON - cultural powerhouse, historic capital and magnet for wankers. Here are some pain-in-the-arse individuals who the regions can’t hope to match.

'Will Union Jack bunting lead to the rise of fascism?' The Guardian reader's guide to the Jubilee

ARE you a Guardian reader unsure whether you should celebrate the Jubilee? Here’s how to enjoy this outdated patriotic event in an inclusive, ethical and non-nationalistic way.