Uncharitable Christmas Appeal: donate now and stop a lifeboat saving people

JUST a few pounds of your money can help stop the launch of a lifeboat that might rescue migrants. Here’s what you’ll get for your donation.

Not worth going anywhere once you factor in parking, study finds

A STUDY has revealed that the ballache involved in parking your car when going anywhere makes it not worth leaving the house for anything at all.

Average woman feels guilty about 327 things every 24 hours

THE average woman feels guilty approximately 327 times every 24 hours or 13.62 time every hour, new research has found.

Christmas markets now just one pissed-off British bloke selling cans of lager

FOLLOWING Brexit and Covid, traditional Christmas markets are now a grumpy bastard from Walsall selling cans of Carling out of a shed. 

Face it, it's f**king Christmas

SOURCES have confirmed that it may technically still be November but you might as well face the facts: it is f**king Christmas and there is no point pretending otherwise.

Pythagoras' Theorem, and other pointless things from school still taking up space in your head

DESPITE having left school many, many years ago, there are still some absolutely useless pieces of learning clogging up your brain...

Nick Fletcher's crime wave terror level female Doctor Who scale

AS Conservative MP for Don Valley, I’m an expert in crime, terrorism, and declining masculinity caused by Doctor Who. Here’s how they correspond:

Six amateur psychological diagnoses idiots always come out with

MORONS love to try and sound like professional psychiatrists by bandying about psychological terms they don’t understand. Here are some of the more annoying ones.

Everybody knackered so shut up about it

EVERYONE in Britain have been told to stop banging on about how knackered they are because so is everyone else.

The Tory guide to knocking off your parents to keep their house

NEW social care laws mean your elderly parents will have to sell their home to pay for their care, unless they live in the South-East. Care minister Gillian Keegan explains how to hang onto your inheritance.