VANDALISM is now terrorism, according to the government’s rulings on Palestine Action, and you’re guilty. These are the atrocities you committed aged 12:
Damaging a tree
You and your mates couldn’t resist pulling that massive branch down until it snapped. Then you ran off. It was f**king brilliant. But it was an attack on a British asset which left the branch inoperable. Many on social media feel the SAS should have double-tapped you for this, and anyone with a St George’s cross in their profile is never wrong.
Writing ‘Gareth is a bender’ in the toilets
Gareth wasn’t gay, which is why it was so subversively hilarious. This was 1980s humour. However, applying an unwanted coating to a surface is now terrorism, whether it’s spray-painting an RAF Voyager air-to-air refuelling plane or writing with a marker pen on a bathroom stall in a comprehensive school. Hand yourself in for a minimum 14-year sentence.
Vandalising the swings
Whether by jumping up and down on them until the seat broke off the chain, or wrapped them around the bar at the top so the smaller children couldn’t reach them. Frankly, 14 years is too lenient for a painstakingly-planned terrorist attack like this, described as ‘Uttoxeter’s 9-11’.
Assembling a weapons cache
Like Hamas, you and your friend held armaments including Black Widow catapults, Swiss Army knives, Chinese throwing stars you made during metalwork and bangers, all freely available before society went soft and stopped children unnecessarily losing eyes. Hand yourself in before you assassinate a head of state.
Vandalising a flower display
You may have joined in an orgy of trampling which led to a special assembly during which the deputy head pretended really hard that she gave a shit. Your victims were begonias and geraniums, not saintly British squaddies, but this was still a political act and an example must be set. You’re banged up until 2039, mate.
Breaking Kenny Bryce’s multi-coloured biro
In 1982 you snatched Kenny’s jumbo biro and unscrewed it, causing all the refills to fall out and a vital spring to get lost. It would never work again. If you have a shred of decency you will call the Anti-Terrorism Hotline on 0800 789321 and confess. Perhaps after your sentence you can work with young people to stop them being radicalised as you were.
Being a member of a proscribed organisation
Okay, D&D club wasn’t technically on a government watchlist, but you were certainly radicals against society or you’d have been outside playing football. Is there a qualitative difference between membership of Hezbollah and guiding adventurers through the Cave of Norvath? Not in the eyes of the law, thanks to Sir Starmer.
