Subscribe

Transcript of a press conference about whether President Trump sharted, 5-2-26

LEAVITT: Okay, everyone sit down, settle down. Any liberal media in here? You’re already wrong and what you write about this is lies. Good? Good. 

This press conference is convened to address the damaging and frankly un-American accusations about the president’s actions during a meeting in the Oval Office last week. There have been mutterings in the legacy media we must correct.

NEW YORK TIMES: You can hear him shit himself on the audio. 34 seconds in.

LEAVITT: This is exactly why your business model is failing, all of your reporters have cancer and every reader you have has a moral duty to turn themselves in to ICE for deportation, especially those with a Wordle streak longer than 100 days.

No, the president did not do that to which you so coarsely refer, no doubt because you’re obsessed with gay sex. You’re thinking about it now. I can tell by your face.

Instead what you heard was a, a burst of joy at being the greatest president and leader in history. A realisation that Lincoln, Reagan, all of them had been surpassed. And lapped. The room had to be immediately cleared to accommodate all of that joy. Fox News?

FOX NEWS: We’re telling our viewers it was the greatest shart of all time and we’re selling them gold diapers.

LEAVITT: We have actually confirmed with the Merriam-Webster Dictionary that shart is not in fact a word so what you just said was meaningless. The Ku Klux Klan Tribune?

KKK TRIBUNE: Could it be that the event actually produced a new, more moral universe which President Trump, holy be his name, owns and is all beachfront property?

LEAVITT: That’s a great question. Finally media which serves the American people. Yes it could and purchase opportunities will be emailed to the faithful shortly. Okay, clear the room. I remind you, I am a woman and I am licensed to carry.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

A 20p banana: six sex toys for every budget, with the Mash sex columnist

EVERYONE deserves love, and everyone deserves the battery-powered plastic love aids that come with it. But spending £100 only to discover you don’t like it up you? Painful. 

So before you fill your online basket, run over our spicy suggestions to suit every budget from the cheap thrills to the top-end tassels:

Students: A tote bag

Whether picked up at a job fair or a radical left protest, complementary tote bags function as versatile toys. Handcuff your lover with the handles or blindfold them by sticking it over their head, though this might be triggering if they’ve a history of being kidnapped by Islamic state. Also check corners for rotting fruit first.

Slumming it: A 20p banana

You might crudely think that a banana only has one use in the bedroom – anal penetration – but that’s where you’re wrong. Consider that it comes with its own soft, fleshy wrapper, perfect for sheathing, it’s even more of a bargain than you thought. Not guaranteed to prevent pregnancy, no, but organic and sustainable.

Living frugally: A wooden spoon

Wooden spoons are perfect for spanking with one end and poking about in orifices with the other. And if the one in your shared house is already being used to make bolognese, you can always pick up a cheap one in any charity shop. Where it was likely donated a part of a widow’s house clearance and her shade will be glad it’s being put to good use.

Doing ok: A bullet vibrator

If you have the money, you should definitely try out an object that was designed for sexual activity as opposed to your boyfriend’s grimy electric toothbrush. Plain, basic, gets the job done without pretension and easily concealed; after this you’re just blowing money on your fanny to make it feel special and that’s his job.

Wealthy: A solid gold butt plug

Gold isn’t just an adornment but an investment. If you’re got money put it into a 24-carat butt plug reminiscent of the one Queen Victoria used to wear and her heir-to-the-throne descendant wears today. Ostentatious and uncomfortable but so is a Rolex, and you’ll feel that much more naughty in board meetings.

Billionaire: A prototype AI sex robot

Human sexuality has been tested to its limits – it’s time to let the computers have a try. As it thrusts into you with its cold dead eyes, remember how jealous Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk will be when you regale them with robot sex tales at your next champagne-and-orphan-blood brunch.

Next story ›