WITH my husband busy breadwinning for our six-child family, what else is a woman to do but uphold feminine values like banging the postman?
As a tradwife, it’s my feminine duty to keep a good home, raise honest Christian children, and peel vegetables while dreaming of doilies. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have wanton desires burning away beneath my apron.
And while these carnal lusts for five minutes of quiet missionary in the dark should be satisfied by my husband, Tom, when he’s out working in the banking factory my loins have no choice but to seek fulfilment elsewhere.
This poses an ethical problem. I can’t turn to my neighbour and close friend Susan for advice, in case our pinafores mysteriously slip off and we commit the modern sin of scissoring against my AGA.
The randy bull we keep tethered in garden is a no-go too. While his mighty haunches and masculine demeanor are obviously attractive, bestiality is unfortunately forbidden in the Bible. One of the many difficult tests God has imposed on us.
Little did I know my salvation would arrive in moments clutching direct mail from SpecSavers. As soon as I saw him on my doorstep, a vision in his regulation Post Office uniform, I knew he could quench my lust.
I know feminists take issue with this. ‘What about your marriage vows?’ they would bleat. Let me repeat: I am a traditional wife. And as such, I must live by the values of generations of repressed, horny housewives.
To entice this postal worker I resorted to the oldest trick in the book: seductively churning butter. And within seconds we were fulfilling our gender-mandated roles – him giving me one from behind while I kneaded dough for Instagram.
Do I feel guilty? Of course not. It’s not cheating if you have unprotected sex with a stranger while your husband is away on business. This is how babies are made. It’s as healthy and normal as my charming radium pendant.
I shall be honest with my husband, and I expect him to reward me. After all, I obeyed his command and did not do anything sinful like use a vibrator.
