WAKING with a hangover so excruciating that when I urinate onto the pavement below my chambers a small, black, hissing crater is formed, I shut the window and reflect on another week in the interface between church and politics.
I had received a request for an audience with Wes Streeting, the health secretary, which I granted. He confided in me that he feared Keir Starmer’s days as prime minister were numbered and now might be the time for a younger, less tarnished woman, or indeed a man, himself even, to step in as his replacement.
He asked me if, as a respected public figure, I might put out a word giving him a boost, perhaps in my next sermon?
‘Oh, I’ll put out a word about you,’ I told him. Appearing satisfied at that, he left.
On Sunday I took to the pulpit. ‘Dearest beloved,’ I began. ‘There’s been talk of Mr Wes Streeting ousting Keir Starmer as Labour leader. I tell you most solemnly, that’d be like replacing Margaret Thatcher with Norman fucking Tebbit. Like replacing fucking Hitler with Himmler. Like replacing Jimmy Savile on Jim’ll Fix It with Gary fucking Glitter.’
Later that day, I received a furious email from Mr Streeting, bristling with invective and four-letter words unbecoming of a minister which I shall not repeat here.
With a wry shake of the head, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Peter Mandelson has resigned from Labour for the fourth time, following yet more revelations in the Epstein files.
Fuck me bandy, if you think this is bad wait till he has to resign from Labour a fifth time! Because there’s every chance that’s going to fucking happen! You can be sure, even as we speak, that that slithering, serpentine little cunt Morgan McSweeney, who emerged from an egg hatched in Mandelson’s arse, is planning some way to get his fucking dark lord and master back into the scheme of things! ‘The government cannot afford to lose a man of his talent and substance,’ they’ll say, or some similar bullshit. Has this ever been true? I mean, he’s the guy to know if you need to send cringe emails to fucking paedophile rapists, but that’s about it!
Keir Starmer has admitted he was indeed aware that Peter Mandelson featured in the Epstein files when he appointed him as US ambassador, but went ahead and did so all the same.
Hahaha, you’re fucking finished, pal! You’ve been exposed as what you are – part prick, part idiot, part coward, part liar, part autocrat, part pillock, part two-faced cunt, part piggy-eyed sack of shit! Everyone hates you, and I bet deep down, in your shittiest, darkest, loneliest moments you fucking hate yourself too! You’ve alienated so many people in your own party that soon it’ll just be you, McSweeney and the fucking Downing Street cat! And you’ll be wasting what little time you’ve got left in government on a plot against the fucking cat!
Six Palestine Action activists have been cleared of committing aggravated burglary over a break-in at an Israeli defence firm’s UK site. They were not found guilty of any offence.
Ha! Fucking well right! And this is why we need juries and not pliant, desiccated judicial cunts approved by fucking David Lammy! If there’s a group that should be proscribed as terrorists it’s the Labour Party, led by swivel-eyed, far-centrist fanatics like fucking Yvette Cooper, bent on maintaining the supply of military equipment to Israel. That’s to carry out actual genocide, as opposed to the fictional terror of the allegations about sledgehammer-wielding protestors Cooper put about! She should join Mandelson in fucking jail! I wouldn’t recommend going on hunger strike, though, it’s unlikely anyone will give a fuck!
Finally, the ‘Trump Kennedy Center’ is to close for two years for renovations, following Trump’s sacking of several board members and considerable criticism of the renaming.
Yup, add it to the pile of stupid shit this Kia-Ora drenched, pouting lump of infantile evil is responsible for! There’s new malevolent shit and unhinged temper tantrums on a daily basis now! It’s reached the stage where every fucking day I look at the TV and newspapers and take joy in any fucking story that doesn’t involve this pelican-faced, senile, money-sucking, grifting, racist buffoon! If tomorrow’s headline was ‘Covid back but 100 times as lethal’ I’d fucking cheer because at least it had fuck all to do with that red tie penis substitute twat!
