With Gloria Goombs, a woman who’s seen it all but who can still pass for 22 as long as she remains perfectly motionless
ARE you a perimenopausal woman in the workplace today? Then you’re disgusting. Sorry, ladies, but someone had to tell you the truth.
Your ugly, puffy eyes are distracting colleagues, demotivating the workplace and reduced turnover by between 18 and 35 per cent last year. They sacked people because of them.
But don’t worry: I’m here to tell you the mirrors of your soul can still be saved. Because real woman don’t see the world from behind bloated, scrotal shrouds but from razor-honed, almond shaped slits, like Willow Smith in the Whip My Hair video.
Can I just say though, you won’t get far without the ‘No Woman No Cryo’ lymphatic drainage reamer, £144.95 for 6mls, which literally transformed my life. The key is to brush upwards against all the inner corner creases you gained while feeling utter self-loathing.
45 minutes of that – set the alarm early – and the bags should be pulsing and slightly phosphorescent. At this point increase massage pressure. Get some leverage and really put your back into it. It needs to hurt.
Within minutes the yellow starts to disappear, and my pupils lose their nocturnal vulpine shape. Gently wipe any excess acidic secretions with a non-conductive sheath: this week I’m loving Kylie Jenner’s Glow-Up Gauntlet of premium Bolivian tungsten on sale at £320.
All done, and you’re no longer offensive to the world and all reflective surfaces. You’re ready to go into the office and perhaps pen a quick email to Willow Smith castigating her for letting herself go. Include a selfie.
