EVERYONE deserves love, and everyone deserves the battery-powered plastic love aids that come with it. But spending £100 only to discover you don’t like it up you? Painful.
So before you fill your online basket, run over our spicy suggestions to suit every budget from the cheap thrills to the top-end tassels:
Students: A tote bag
Whether picked up at a job fair or a radical left protest, complementary tote bags function as versatile toys. Handcuff your lover with the handles or blindfold them by sticking it over their head, though this might be triggering if they’ve a history of being kidnapped by Islamic state. Also check corners for rotting fruit first.
Slumming it: A 20p banana
You might crudely think that a banana only has one use in the bedroom – anal penetration – but that’s where you’re wrong. Consider that it comes with its own soft, fleshy wrapper, perfect for sheathing, it’s even more of a bargain than you thought. Not guaranteed to prevent pregnancy, no, but organic and sustainable.
Living frugally: A wooden spoon
Wooden spoons are perfect for spanking with one end and poking about in orifices with the other. And if the one in your shared house is already being used to make bolognese, you can always pick up a cheap one in any charity shop. Where it was likely donated a part of a widow’s house clearance and her shade will be glad it’s being put to good use.
Doing ok: A bullet vibrator
If you have the money, you should definitely try out an object that was designed for sexual activity as opposed to your boyfriend’s grimy electric toothbrush. Plain, basic, gets the job done without pretension and easily concealed; after this you’re just blowing money on your fanny to make it feel special and that’s his job.
Wealthy: A solid gold butt plug
Gold isn’t just an adornment but an investment. If you’re got money put it into a 24-carat butt plug reminiscent of the one Queen Victoria used to wear and her heir-to-the-throne descendant wears today. Ostentatious and uncomfortable but so is a Rolex, and you’ll feel that much more naughty in board meetings.
Billionaire: A prototype AI sex robot
Human sexuality has been tested to its limits – it’s time to let the computers have a try. As it thrusts into you with its cold dead eyes, remember how jealous Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk will be when you regale them with robot sex tales at your next champagne-and-orphan-blood brunch.
