F**k you! We're off on a term-time holiday

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

Yes, I am taking my children aged nine and 12 out of your schools a week early to save £2,300 on a fortnight in Tunisia, which I believe to be an eminently rational decision.

Because as we both well know, holidays are much, much cheaper in term-time, aren’t they? And money is real. What else do we both know? That my children will be doing nothing next week but bullshit.

Colouring! Wordsearches! Running around aimlessly in fields! SATs are over. GCSEs are over. You have five days of giving the kids fun shit to do while you tidy up. Is this worth £2,300 of my money? I respectfully suggest it is f**king not.

You may attempt to fine me. You won’t fine me that f**king much, will you? And I’m betting that six weeks swilling wine in a gîte in the South of France – you don’t stint on your own holidays, I notice – will erode your memory enough for us to get away with it.

So f**k you, f**k the council, and f**k society. We’re all going on a term-time holiday, all-inclusive with a private beach. You’re just jealous because you’re too middle-class to do it.

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France vs Rwanda: Which will stop the boats?

TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two. 

Proximity

France: Just across the channel and where the boats are coming from, so physically in good position to affect them

Rwanda: 4,376 miles away and landlocked

Governance

France: Western democracy with strong history of keeping deals made with the UK, key ally in two World Wars

Rwanda: Corrupt one-party state with record of taking money from Western governments, not providing the promised service and keeping it regardless

Deterrent

France: A nation of lovers, gourmets, and artists that only occasionally indulges in police brutality against non-white residents. Maybe 15 major incidents a year, maximum

Rwanda: Scary to migrants entirely ignorant of Rwanda despite being from the same continent, who know of it only from the terrifying sponsorship on Arsenal’s sleeves

Cost

France: Not yet revealed but it will be too much

Rwanda: £700 million for four migrants, or £175m per migrant

Proposed by

France: A traitor who doesn’t love Brexit in cahoots with an EU technocrat

Rwanda: A prime minister with vision, sagacity and a statutory fine for breaking lockdown rules received the previous day which he was desperate to distract from

Chance of success

France: If allowed by the EU and expanded beyond a pilot scheme could vastly reduce the numbers of migrants coming illegally to the UK

Rwanda: None but that wasn’t the point. It provided a valuable fixed point of xenophobic cruelty for lefties to abhor and the right wing to rally around, which is more important

Chance of being reported as a success

France: Zero. The media is already furious that the boats weren’t stopped by a press conference about it and are committed to four years of stories about Reform’s momentum

Rwanda: An absolute and total success abandoned only because of whiners and traitors, like the poll tax. This was our finest hour