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How to get that middle-aged, two-pints-from-violence Oasis fan look: A guide for the young

SEEING Oasis live this weekend? Get the appropriate ‘pissed-up gobshite who’s mad for a fight’ look with this straightforward guide.

Wear a two-sizes-too-small parka

Middle-aged Oasis fans are no longer the svelte creatures they were during Britpop, but that hasn’t stopped them squeezing their bloated forms into their old parka jackets and Fred Perry shirts. If you don’t have a paunch, you can recreate this signature look by wrestling on extra-small clothes and stuffing a pillow down your top. Leave a bit of belly on show for the full effect. 

Swagger like a prick

Looking like a middle-aged Oasis fan isn’t just about the clothes, the spirit of the band should be channeled through your body too. All you have to do is waddle around like you’ve shat yourself with your arms outstretched and an arrogant smirk on your face. Who cares if the Gallagher brothers have mellowed somewhat in their older age, this aesthetic is all about living in the past, no matter how cringe it looks.

Style your hair badly

An easy mistake to make is to go for a 60s mod cut with a modern twist. But remember, you’re trying to look like a fan, not Liam and Noel themselves. That means you need to break out the clippers and fade in a suitably receding hairline, then pathetically try to cover it up by combing over any remaining strands. On the plus side it doesn’t count as cultural appropriation, so you’ll only look ridiculous and not problematic.

Down a load of cans

A daunting task for today’s alcohol-averse youth. Back in the 90s, a four-pack of Stella was bare minimum pre-loading before getting properly rat-arsed in the pub then a club. Gen Z lightweights will be pretty pissed after a few cans though, so don’t overdo it. You don’t want to get so drunk you can’t ruin every song by tunelessly chanting along to it.

Confront everyone and everything

Cosplaying as an elderly Oasis fan goes beyond looking like an ageing Gen Xer. To truly capture the spirit of the fanbase, you need to start a fight with other audience members, arena staff, pub windows, cars, and basically anything within your field of vision. If you’re struggling to get your rage up to the necessary levels, just remember you paid £346 for your ticket.

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Are you suffering from Wallace's Autism? A checklist of symptoms

GREGG Wallace has been protesting that he has autism, so it must be a rare type that makes you sexually harass people. If you’re concerned you might be affected, here is a checklist of symptoms.

Missing social cues

People with Wallace’s Autism often have difficulty responding to subtle social cues such as ‘Stop touching my arse!’. Sadly this is indistinguishable from simply being groped by a celebrity prick who thinks he’s God’s gift to women because he’s on the telly, but research is sure to confirm it’s a real medical condition.

Intrusive sexual thoughts about food

Neurotypical people see food and say something like ‘That looks nice’, but an individual with Wallace’s Autism will feel compelled to blurt out: ‘I’m desperate to dip that pork into something wet!’ If you keep having barely coherent smutty thoughts about food with no obvious sexual connotations – eg. ‘I’d like to give that cod fillet a good rub with my onions!’ – you are definitely on the spectrum.

Not wearing pants

Despite this being a very new condition, doctors have identified the symptom of not wearing boxer shorts and telling women about it. Gregg himself has highlighted the fact that some autistic people are hypersensitive to clothes, so we can add another symptom to Wallace’s Autism: being a scumbag who shamelessly exploits a real developmental disability.

Strongly-held delusions 

Gregg claims he was hired because he was a ‘cheeky greengrocer… a real person with warmth, character, rough edges and all’. This obviously does not correspond with the reality that most people thought he was another overpaid BBC presenter who you watched because contestants having a breakdown over a soufflé was mildly diverting. Luckily such delusions can usually be treated with common anti-psychotic drugs. Or you can just stop being a self-regarding, egotistical twat.

A laughable sense of victimhood

Sufferers have a tendency to implausibly portray themselves as victims, as with Gregg’s statement that: ‘Nothing was done to protect me from what I now realise was a dangerous environment for over 20 years.’ If you find yourself creating a version of the facts that is laughably bollocks and you’re not an Israeli government spokesman or Karoline Leavitt, you are probably suffering from Wallace’s Autism.

Certain enhanced abilities 

The film Rain Man has been criticised for its portrayal of autism, but ‘savant’ abilities like Dustin Hoffman’s exceptional memory are real, just very rare. In the same way, individuals with Wallace’s Autism can perform astonishing feats, such as being worth a supposed £5 million for spouting minimally-amusing gibberish like: ‘It’s an Aladdin’s Cave of pudding delights!’

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