IT’S real, it’s here, it’s happening and you’re about to get some, and now you’re going to ruin the moment by bringing feelings into it?
Think again. Bringing tears to the bedroom is as sexy as bringing your mum. Avoid unnecessary emotional spillage by never thinking about any of the following mid-f**k:
Your flagging standards
In your fantasies you’re shacking up with a brooding, clear-skinned man with a six-pack, a trust fund and his own place on the Thames. In reality, you’re giving Dave a blowjob in his second-hand Nissan Micra, and the only six-pack in sight is the Pilsner in the footwell. Don’t focus on the gap between the two; focus on not lurching into the gap between seats.
Your wedding day
Six minutes of missionary sex after three minutes of foreplay, all boob. Do you hear wedding bells? Are you that desperate? Seems so! Quick, for a chance of becoming Mrs Whatever-the-f**k-he’s-called, bury your face in the pillow and pretend your moans of despair are after-spasms of the orgasm he didn’t give you.
Your ex
Remember the Munich citybreak when you thought he was going to propose, then he tenderly asked if you fancied the Hofbräu brewery tour? In a heightened coital state, these kinds of thoughts must be blocked at source. Be warned, even memories of your lovely teenage boyfriend who was only with you in an attempt to not be gay might set you off.
How lucky you are
Sex can dick with your brain as well as your Johnson, so getting some after a lengthy dry spell may cause a surge of gratitude ruining not only the moment but any chance of a second round. All because you ruminated on your good fortune. If only you’d been a cold, uncaring f**kboi she’d be on top by now and you’d last longer.
Nothing at all
Sometimes just lying there in an intense, post-orgasmic lull can set off the waterworks. And if gentle sobbing doesn’t freak out the woman who, against her better judgment, got naked with you then your desperate clawing around for an explanation will. Make a excuse, go to the loo, and on return claim you were crying at a particularly poignant TikTok.
