The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Pete Hegseth: 'So are you fat bastards on board with a coup?'

3rd October 2025

WAKING with a hangover that leaves me reluctant to excrete lest I void not just my bowels but also my abdomen of vital organs, I reflect on another week in my stewardship of the church.

Nigel Farage has been in the public eye of late, and I am aware he was injured in a light aircraft accident some years ago, and consequently may be reluctant to fly in such a craft again. I sent word to him that as part of the church’s charitable work I run a scheme whereby the victims of trauma may receive therapeutic help.

Mr Farage agreed to meet me at a small, deserted airfield in Sussex. There, I introduced him to a craft I had acquired – it could fit just one passenger but could be operated by remote control. I would be the controller. This would be an exercise in trust, and faith in a man of the cloth.

It took off, a strapped-in Mr Farage enjoying himself for ten or so minutes as he cruised the skies at an altitude of about 200 feet. However, I was then overcome with an overwhelming urge to visit a hostelry.

I therefore set the remote control to ‘holding pattern’, leant it against a wall and went in search of refreshment, leaving an admittedly agitated Mr Farage circling high in the air. I assumed, once ensconced in the alehouse, that when the fuel ran out after a few hours, Mr Farage’s craft would descend gently to the ground. As opposed to plummet. I could only hope so.

Dismissing the memory, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that home secretary Shabana Mahmood has proposed new rules for migrants wishing to live in the UK, including speaking English ‘to a high standard’ and doing voluntary work besides their regular jobs.

Fuck me bandy, what sort of batshit fucking bollocks still brown and wet from pulling it out of your arse is this? Is this just another attempt to suck Daily Mail cock or are you fucking serious? You’re gonna ask some foreign worker in the NHS or a care home just off a 12-hour shift to pick up litter for a couple of hours before they go to bed, or face fucking deportation? And is it just foreigners who’ll need good English, or everyone? Will you be testing asylum hostel protestors? Because you’ll need a fucking flotilla of troopships to deport the ‘taking are country back’ flagshaggers who fail the test!

US defence secretary Pete Hegseth summoned army chiefs and admirals for a meeting in which he attempted to downplay the role of women in the military and fat-shamed senior officers. His remarks were met with a thunderous lack of applause.

Haha, way to absolutely fuck up, you slicked-up streak of toxic, clueless, fucking piss! When you addressed a hall of seasoned military types, couldn’t you see the massive thought cloud forming above their heads bearing a single word, ‘CUNT’? God help you when you need the military to back up your desperate attempt at a coup and they say: ‘Naah. Fight your own battles, you cowardly, timewasting, cosplaying little prick. And I’m not fat, I’m just big-boned, actually.’

Thames Water creditors, who effectively own the company and do not wish it to be nationalised, have requested 15 years of ‘leniency’ from river pollution rules.

Oh well, that’s fucking reasonable enough. We hear your plea. ‘All we ask is that for another decade and a half we’re allowed to open our giant buttocks and take a daily shit in the country’s waterways. Then we’ll fix it, honest. Just 15 years of constant, relentless use of the rivers as a septic tank. Please? Won’t someone think of our dividends and bonuses?’ And the tragic thing is the government will shed a tear and say: ‘Yes, you shit away to your heart’s content!’

Finally, Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has vowed to axe the UK’s Climate Change Act.

Haha, you know what, you can vow whatever the fuck you want! Why not abolish trade unions, scrap income tax for anyone on more than £100,000k and insist that British skies be permanently red, white and blue with the Red Arrows belching the colours 24/7? While you’re at it, why not execute that pesky environmentalist David Attenborough and give everyone a pet dragon? It really does make fuck all difference, because Liz Truss is more likely to have another crack at being PM than you, you irrelevant fucking loony right nutjob!

A white home counties roadman gets dissed by a wasteman supply teacher

2nd October 2025

FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has a beef ting wiv a temporary teacher throwin’ shade on him’s swag.

WAGWAN? Man ‘as been in turbo-turmoil dis week, fam. Active J wanted man’s peng form teacher Miss Jackson to see him’s new trim wiv slightly more fade but her did not come in.

Wot is dat habout? Miss Jackson ‘ad bare habandoned man. Him ‘ad hactually done him’s ’omework too. Den da school sed it woz gettin’ a supply teachbot instead!

Classdem cheered like idiots, hespecially dickhead Drilla, but man woz hyper-vexed coz a supply teachbot does not know how Active J’s hair works an’ man’s trim wud go unblessed, innit.

Teachbot 2.0 woz da bare rankest wasteman, fam. Him woz bein’ hultra-shouty wiv da brand muggle names for da register. When him got to Hudson, man kept shtum, coz Active J is jokes, innit. Da teachbot hasked if Joshua Hudson woz habsent, an’ man sed yes sir, but dickhead Drilla pointed to Active J an’ grassed man up. You wot, fam?

Den Drilla starts laughin’, so man pounded on him an’ da teachbot gets well narky an’ sez step houtside an’ bare lectures man for breakin’ school rules an’ bein’ disruptive.

Active J sed wot rules? So teachbot sez Joshua is carryin’ a can of Monster, itchin’ for a vape chug, an’ wearin’ skanky Air Max 95s? Dem rules. Fam, man’s swag ‘as never, hever been so hoppressed an’ disrespected. Miss Jackson wud never ‘ave disrespected Active J like dat. Man wished her woz back, innit.

Dat night, man ‘ad a peng idea. Active J went to school da next day bustin’ a mint boxfresh pair of 95s man woz savin’ for a family weddin’. Dem’s woz smellin’ factory fresh an’ lookin’ black as da night. Active J woz uber peng-nang, fam.

Teachbot hasked man to stay behind hafter form, an’ Active J thought man woz gonna get detention, but no, fam, da teachbot praised man for makin’ a heffort wiv da 95s, heven though dem woz not ooniform.

Den teachbot stood up an’ man saw him’s feet woz like treasure, fam. Da teachbot woz a sneaker freeker trainer collector an’ him woz wearin’ a pair of cold blue Air Max 95 Colorways designed by Stash, one of da bare nangest 95s hever! It woz da first 95 to feature a speckled midsole, fam! Active J went dizzy an’ ‘ad to sit down. Mr. Harrison den let man try on him’s Stash for a Hinsta photo. Mr. Harrison is bare peng.

Hafter school mandem crew wanted to meet on da hastroturf but Active J went straight to him’s crib to do a list of trainers, colour-coded an’ ranked in order of pengest to bare rankest for Mr. Harrison.

Dat night man cud not sleep coz Active J woz too hyper-hexcited to see Mr. Harrison an’ talk habout trainers an’ show him man’s list an’ dat. But when Active J got to form teachbot Jackson woz back, an’ sed man’s hair woz very smart an’ stylish.

Yeah. Gassed, Miss. Wotever.