WAKING with a hangover so intense my head is glowing green and I can actually see my skull when I look in the mirror, I drink an entire fish tank of water to rehydrate and reflect on my week.
I have decided, in keeping with ecumenical congruence, that the Church of England should introduce the Catholic practice of confession. I put in a request to Tony Blair’s office that, as someone who converted from Protestantism to the Catholic faith, he might be the first to confess his sins, as a gesture of goodwill between Christians. He agreed.
‘Bless me, for I have sinned,’ he whispered, through the gauze of the confessional box. ‘Last week, committing the sin of gluttony, I had an extra Weetabix for my breakfast,’ he said. ‘Also, I neglected to de-clutter my garage, which I have promised Cherie I would do for weeks.’
‘Fuck me, is that it?’ I replied. ‘That’s the shittiest confession I’ve ever heard. What about being responsible for about a million deaths in Iraq, shilling for some of the world’s vilest regimes and volunteering to oversee a territory decimated by genocide, no questions asked?’
‘Well, er, those are, er, complex geopolitical issues. I think people think I’m a decent guy.’
‘Like fuck you are. Your sins are not forgiven. As penance, you must say 12,000 Hail Marys and lower yourself into a vat of boiling piss. God was very specific about it, so get cracking.’
A solid start to a new practice, I reflect, before taking a light breakfast and perusing a periodical. Therein I read that former TV presenter Jeremy Kyle has blasted Gary Neville for taking down a St George flag put up by a racist on one of his developments. Kyle said Neville had insulted the working classes from whom he had made millions.
Fuck me with the splintered end of a snapped pogo stick, remind us how you made your millions, Jez! With a fucking faux-moralising TV show that got its ratings by goading working-class people into trying to beat the shit out of each other in a latterday Victorian freakshow! Which they had to cancel when someone fucking topped themselves! You know full well what the cunt who put that flag up was doing, you fucking ignorance profiteer! Fuck off! Then fuck on so you can fuck off a fucking second time!
The Labour Party is to focus on identifying ‘hate chants’ at pro-Palestinian demonstrations.
Yeah, you’d love to find a few of those as actual fucking evidence, wouldn’t you? You’ve found next to fuck all so far but don’t let that get in the way of your insinuations, you truth-twisting scumfucks! Problem is, even some vile chants are overshadowed by the obscenity of actually selling the arms, in record fucking quantities in September, to genocidal fuckers bombing hospitals and killing kids. You’re not just a minor disappointment, like every previous fucking Labour party, you’re straight up fucking evil!
Robert Jenrick paid a visit to Handsworth in Birmingham this week and expressed his disappointment at the lack of ‘white faces’ in the area.
Really? This is a plea for integration, is it? Are you sure it’s not some 1960s bigoted shite you pulled out of your racist fucking arse? Are you equally concerned that in many parts of the UK you never see a single black or brown face? Seriously, how come you’re into this shit? The average racist is some 80-year-old who grew up on the Famous Five, The Black And White Minstrel Show and golliwogs on fucking marmalade jars. You’re 43. You were born the year Michael Jackson released Thriller. What’s your fucking excuse?
Finally, Nick Clegg has said that asking artists for permission to use their work would ‘kill’ the AI industry.
Ooh, would it, Nick? So if artists weren’t ripped off wholesale, we’d run the risk of AI not striding remorselessly across vast fields of scrunched human skulls in its nihilistic quest to drown the world in mindless animated slop? Jesus, to think that vacuous fucking centrists placed their faith in you back in 2010, imagining you represented some sort of bright, shining, moderate, sensible future. Maybe it’s time for another ‘I’m sorry’ speech for people to remix. Only this time apologise for being a fucking soulless, careerist shill for psychotic, world-destroying tech bros!
