Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Jarvis Cocker really should have changed the lyrics of Disco 2000 to the past tense.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You get a lot fewer prophecies these days than you used to, don’t you?
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
“I liked Vince Clarke, but after Depeche Mode and Yazoo he did nothing.” “Careful. That’s Erasure erasure.”
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
This week, as a nice treat, your inner monologue is guest hosted by Kristin Scott Thomas.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Late at night you have existential crises like ‘Am I a fake labubu?’
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
“Oh, well if you’re really passionate about his work, it just so happens I have a Banksy on my cock.”
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Weird they named gay women after somewhere that one of them lived. Could have easily been called Ipswichians.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Ploughing your way through Melody Maker still stuffed full of the NME with Sounds sitting there ready, your stomach lurching. Christ the mid-80s were grim.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Why not have a naming ceremony for your new second-hand Citroen Saxo by smashing a bottle of Kronenbourg 1664 on its bonnet?
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Sure, Andy Burnham’s done okay representing Manchester. But what about a place that actually matters, like Hay-on-Wye?
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
“Yes, well you know the Mandala effect? It’s like that, but I’m the only person who remembers Spearfishing With Helen Flanagan.”
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
To this day if you say ‘wild boys’ and Simon Le Bon doesn’t jump in with ‘wildboys!’ before you’re finished, he has to give you the publishing rights.
