WAKING with a hangover that leaves me reluctant to excrete lest I void not just my bowels but also my abdomen of vital organs, I reflect on another week in my stewardship of the church.
Nigel Farage has been in the public eye of late, and I am aware he was injured in a light aircraft accident some years ago, and consequently may be reluctant to fly in such a craft again. I sent word to him that as part of the church’s charitable work I run a scheme whereby the victims of trauma may receive therapeutic help.
Mr Farage agreed to meet me at a small, deserted airfield in Sussex. There, I introduced him to a craft I had acquired – it could fit just one passenger but could be operated by remote control. I would be the controller. This would be an exercise in trust, and faith in a man of the cloth.
It took off, a strapped-in Mr Farage enjoying himself for ten or so minutes as he cruised the skies at an altitude of about 200 feet. However, I was then overcome with an overwhelming urge to visit a hostelry.
I therefore set the remote control to ‘holding pattern’, leant it against a wall and went in search of refreshment, leaving an admittedly agitated Mr Farage circling high in the air. I assumed, once ensconced in the alehouse, that when the fuel ran out after a few hours, Mr Farage’s craft would descend gently to the ground. As opposed to plummet. I could only hope so.
Dismissing the memory, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that home secretary Shabana Mahmood has proposed new rules for migrants wishing to live in the UK, including speaking English ‘to a high standard’ and doing voluntary work besides their regular jobs.
Fuck me bandy, what sort of batshit fucking bollocks still brown and wet from pulling it out of your arse is this? Is this just another attempt to suck Daily Mail cock or are you fucking serious? You’re gonna ask some foreign worker in the NHS or a care home just off a 12-hour shift to pick up litter for a couple of hours before they go to bed, or face fucking deportation? And is it just foreigners who’ll need good English, or everyone? Will you be testing asylum hostel protestors? Because you’ll need a fucking flotilla of troopships to deport the ‘taking are country back’ flagshaggers who fail the test!
US defence secretary Pete Hegseth summoned army chiefs and admirals for a meeting in which he attempted to downplay the role of women in the military and fat-shamed senior officers. His remarks were met with a thunderous lack of applause.
Haha, way to absolutely fuck up, you slicked-up streak of toxic, clueless, fucking piss! When you addressed a hall of seasoned military types, couldn’t you see the massive thought cloud forming above their heads bearing a single word, ‘CUNT’? God help you when you need the military to back up your desperate attempt at a coup and they say: ‘Naah. Fight your own battles, you cowardly, timewasting, cosplaying little prick. And I’m not fat, I’m just big-boned, actually.’
Thames Water creditors, who effectively own the company and do not wish it to be nationalised, have requested 15 years of ‘leniency’ from river pollution rules.
Oh well, that’s fucking reasonable enough. We hear your plea. ‘All we ask is that for another decade and a half we’re allowed to open our giant buttocks and take a daily shit in the country’s waterways. Then we’ll fix it, honest. Just 15 years of constant, relentless use of the rivers as a septic tank. Please? Won’t someone think of our dividends and bonuses?’ And the tragic thing is the government will shed a tear and say: ‘Yes, you shit away to your heart’s content!’
Finally, Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has vowed to axe the UK’s Climate Change Act.
Haha, you know what, you can vow whatever the fuck you want! Why not abolish trade unions, scrap income tax for anyone on more than £100,000k and insist that British skies be permanently red, white and blue with the Red Arrows belching the colours 24/7? While you’re at it, why not execute that pesky environmentalist David Attenborough and give everyone a pet dragon? It really does make fuck all difference, because Liz Truss is more likely to have another crack at being PM than you, you irrelevant fucking loony right nutjob!
